We want to be honest & clear right off the top – we don’t get it. We can’t – we’ve never been you, and we’ve never been through what you’re going through.

Though, it is our goal to find you people & resources who 

Feeling isolated and misunderstood is awful. Especially when you are in the midst of a huge life decision. We want to remind you that there are many other expectant mothers on PairTree 

In this emotional video, birth mother Melissa Link shares her story, and highlights how important it is to find support.

Some Ways to Find Support During the Adoption Process

There are several (and might even be some in-person groups in your area). We recommend checking 

Find a therapist or other mental health specialist.

If you have the resources to find one on your own, that’s great! If not, always feel safe to bring it up with the adoptive family you’re working with. Many are more than happy to provide mental health counseling.


Worried that they won’t be sensitive to what you need at this time? Totally understandable. Maybe try sending them 

. It may help them better understand how to be supportive.


Are you a trailblazer? Start your own support group

Interested in starting your own group, but don’t know where to start? Find some helpful tips 

Like we said… we don’t get it. But we want to come as close as we can.


Programing that supports the mental health of women who have experienced trauma.



Knee to Knee is a post-placement support care network.



Dedicated to providing support to all sides of the triad.


Expectant Mom FAQ: Do I Get Paid For Adoption?


For questions about the financial aspects of adoption.


Expectant Mom FAQ: Do I Need an Attorney?


Information about legal help can be found here.



Feel like getting cozy on the couch and listening to a podcast? Go here to listen to birth mom Leanna Johnson Lee talk through her experience. 

Disclaimer: some content in the podcast may be triggering for some people (depression, references to self harm

As an expectant mom going through the adoption process, it is common to find yourself wondering, does anyone get it?

At first glance, the home study process may seem lengthy and challenging, but there's no need to stress - it isn't as complicated as you might think. Before you dive into getting your home prepared and your documents ready, let's debunk nine myths about home studies.

1. Renting a home disqualifies you from adopting.

Most likely no, this is not a key consideration for home study approval. A home study provider’s decision primarily lies in the stability of your living situation and the presence of a safe, comfortable, appropriate space for children within that setting. In essence, it's not about homeownership but rather about ensuring a secure and suitable environment for potential adoptees.

2. Being “too old” disqualifies you from adopting.

While age does not affect a parent’s ability to love a child, it can affect one’s ability to adopt to a certain degree. Many agencies and professionals have minimum age requirements, and some do maintain upper age limits. This means that as you explore and consider adoption opportunities, you could be limited to the number of agencies that may accept you as a prospective adopting family, or you may have to consider what type of adoption to pursue (private vs. public adoption).

It's essential to recognize that the focus is on the family’s ability to provide a stable and loving environment for a child rather than setting rigid age restrictions. Your provider will additionally assess any physical or mental health concerns that could come with an older adopting family to identify whether the family is physically and mentally fit to raise a child.

3. A criminal record will automatically prevent me from adopting.

Although it depends on the nature and severity of the offense, you could still be eligible to adopt. Your provider will ask for additional details regarding the offense, and go from there.

Please note that it’s best to be upfront about a criminal record, as all adults in an adopting family undergo rigorous background checks and the truth is bound to make itself known at some point.

you’ll need to get home study approved.

4. Forgetting small details or not being specific enough in the application will disqualify me from adopting.

No, it won't. However, we might request more information if needed. If we ask you to submit something missing, we'll provide a deadline. Missing that deadline could put you at risk of going "inactive." But rest assured, no one will prevent you from adopting if you accidentally leave something blank and address it later.

5. A medical condition will disqualify me from adopting.

Not necessarily. Home studies assess the mental, physical, and emotional well-being of your family and may require documentation to assist in this process. Prospective birth families aim to ensure that you can meet the needs of their child. Evaluation of medical conditions is done on an individual basis.

As long as your physician(s) can affirm that your condition is well-managed and won't impact your parenting capabilities, you should still be eligible for adoption. In some cases, your home study provider will ask for an additional statement from your specialist or mental health provider, further verifying your readiness and capability as a parent. Perfect health isn't a requirement, but your ability to care for a growing child is crucial.

6. My home must be spotless and perfect for the “inspection.”

When your home study professional comes over

, they're looking for an enthusiastic couple with a positive outlook on adoption. Your goal is to demonstrate that your home will provide a safe, stable, loving, and healthy environment for a child.

While a reasonable level of cleanliness is anticipated, rest assured that we're not there to inspect your baseboards or scrutinize your dusting habits. The purpose of the home tour is to give your home study provider a chance to assess the general cleanliness, the safety of your home, and adequate space for a child.  

No need to hire a house cleaner or spend a week deep cleaning in preparation. Just be prepared to provide a tour and then sit and chat openly about yourselves and your adoption dreams.

7. My home must be fully baby-proofed and have a ready nursery before the “inspection.”

You don't need to have everything perfectly set up right now; there's no requirement for a fully equipped nursery before the visit. The social worker is primarily concerned with ensuring you have an appropriate space designated for a nursery and plans to implement some basic child safety measures in your home prior to the baby's arrival.

However, it would be beneficial to start thinking about and implementing some basic child safety measures in your home. This includes having working smoke detectors, a carbon monoxide detector, secure furniture, and properly stored cleaners and medicines. While it's not a "failure" if you miss something, we'll kindly remind you to take care of it before your child arrives, and we may follow up during another scheduled visit.

getting your home ready for the home visit.

If you plan to pursue adoption, you will need an approved home study, whether you’re pursuing private domestic adoption, step-parent adoption, kinship adoption, public (foster) adoption, or international adoption.

It’s best to view the home study as the first serious, educational step toward adoption. It’s not a “check-the-box” activity! It’s your opportunity to explore, learn, and prepare. The process can take anywhere from a few weeks to several months – driven by your pace.

Your home study provider will be your mentor and advocate for the entirety of your adoption journey (arguably the important relationship on your team), and you get to feel a strong sense of accomplishment by completing this extensive assessment of your life.

five more reasons a home study is essential

 for you, a prospective birth family, and your future adopted child.

People commonly underestimate how long it can take to gather and submit the necessary documentation for the home study. The longer you put it off, the longer you delay your adoption. We always advise that you get a head start on the paperwork and try to take care of it quickly.

 are efficient and take pride in completing home studies promptly. By staying on top of your tasks and deadlines, you can complete the home study in under a month and move forward with your adoption journey. In some cases, we've even seen expedited home studies completed in less than a week!

If an adoption home study still sounds scary or overwhelming, we assure you, you’re not alone. Many potential adoptive parents feel the same way, but there's a good chance you will look back and realize that the home study process was much less stressful than you anticipated. Check out comments and advice from other prospective adoptive parents who completed their home study.

At PairTree, we strive to make every family's adoption experience a positive one. 

 and find the support you need to get the home study process started!

There’s often a mindset of “passing” or “failing” a home study. However, the purpose of a home study is to assess where your family is in the adoption process — mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally. Your home study provider is there to ensure you’re ready to provide a child with a loving, stable, safe, and healthy home.

There are plenty of misconceptions about adoption home studies, and we're here to help put your mind at ease as you head into the home study process! Let’s discuss common themes we often hear...

9 Common Misconceptions in Adoption Home Studies

While you may not do each step in this order, it’s important to know all the steps involved:

Whether your interest is as a potential donor or recipient, download the EM•POWER guidebook. It explores the important elements of embryo donation:

Part 1: Embryo Donation 101 – General Information 

For more education, access to support groups and virtual events, information on how to join the EM•POWER embryo donation community 

 access to the first-of-it’s kind embryo donation matching platform, Moxi Matching, visit 

In order to streamline the process, EM•POWER with Moxi has developed a seven-step system called the EM•POWER Method.

The Em•Power Method: A Seven-Step System for Embryo Donation

Adoption & Family Building Glossary of Terms

The world of adoption has evolved greatly over its history, and the terminology is changing significantly with it.

For those new to adoption and family-building, we invite you to familiarize yourself with the language used…you’ll start hearing many of these terms a lot throughout your adoption journey!

A person who joins a family via adoption.

An organization that is licensed to prepare families to adopt children and to do all the necessary legal, administrative and social work to ensure that adoptions are efficiently handled and are in the best interests of the children.

Federally funded state administered subsidy program for special needs children who might otherwise remain in long term foster care.

In an adoption scam, a woman will reach out to an adoptive family or adoption professional with no proof of pregnancy, with false proof of pregnancy or with no intention of actually making an adoption plan and will request emotional and financial support.

To learn more about adoption scams, red flags to look out for and how to safely connect, check out 

Lessons Learned: What One Adoption Scam Can Teach Us All

A licensed agency or individual who is State certified to assist birth parents and adoptive parents with the placement of a child in an Independent Adoption.

A person or persons who are in the legal process of adopting an infant or child.

A person or persons who become the permanent parents with all the social, legal rights and responsibilities incumbent upon any parent.

Active support, defense, arguing for a cause, idea, or policy. As a prospective adoptive parent, you are encouraged to become your own advocate as you are navigating your way through the adoption process, acquiring the skills and knowledge to be an active participant in moving the process along. These advocacy skills will continue to be valuable after placement, to ensure that the adopted child receives needed services, such as medical care and appropriate educational placement.

A legal document in which the party who makes it swears that the information contained in the document is true and correct to the best of his or her knowledge.

Adoption is facilitated by a State Licensed Agency that provides counseling to birthparents, home studies to prospective adoptive parents, relinquishment services and post-placement programs for triad members. These Agencies may also provide Intercountry and Special Needs adoption services.

Benefits to employees who are adopting a child or children, offered by some employers. They may include adoption information and referral services, paid or unpaid leave time, and/or financial reimbursement.

Your employer doesn’t currently provide adoption benefits? PairTree will contact your HR department for you. Fill out our 

An adoption certificate may also be called an adoption decree. A legal document issued by the court upon finalization of an adoption that certifies a child has been adopted, the adoption has been finalized, and the adoptee is the legal child of the adoptive parents.

The triad consists of three parts: birth parents, adoptive parents, and the adopted child. The symbol is represented in three different parts, with each coming together to intertwine a triangle with a heart. Each part of the triad is a corner of the triangle with the adopted child at the very top. 

Often referred to as the adoption constellation to encompass everyone that participates in the adoption process - social worker, agency, attorney, birth family, adoptive family, etc.

Apgar scores or Apgars are the results of a series of brief tests given to newborn infants. Five areas are tested, with two points given in each area. For an infant in good condition, the highest possible score is ten. The areas tested are heart rate, respiration, muscle tone, reflexes and color. Scores are generally taken at one minute and five minutes after birth.

A family approved to adopt is one that has completed the home study process and for whom the home study document has been written or updated, signed, and dated within the past year (or other period specified by the state in which the family lives).

Refers to a child who is currently in need of an adoptive family and ready to begin the adoption process as soon as a family is located. Many in the adoption community prefer the more positive terms "ready for adoption" or "child in need of a family." This term is most often used in the foster care community.

In the adoption community, the term biological is often used to describe a genetic relationship between individuals. Since all people are actually "biological," many prefer to use other words to describe these relations, such as "birth children" or "children who were born to you" instead of "your biological children."

The document issued after a child has been adopted reflecting the adoptive parents as the child's parents.

A certified document, usually obtained only through a government agency, which indicates the birth information of a person including mother's and father's name and the name given to the child at the time of birth, as well as the date and place of birth.

Learn more about the fight for access to 

The biological father of a child, as opposed to an adoptive father. In the adoption process, a birth father must relinquish his parental rights, although the legal process varies by state.

The biological mother of a child, as opposed to an adoptive mother. In the adoption process, a birth mother has made an adoption plan and subsequently relinquished the child for adoption.

 for expectant moms, birth moms, and adoptive parents who would like to understand more about the birth mother’s experience.

An individual's relatives by birth, as opposed to relatives in the family that adopted that individual. Birth families include extended families as well as birth parents and siblings.

The order in which children in a family were born. Each child has a place in the birth order (first child, youngest daughter, etc.) and adopting a child or children may change that order.

A closed adoption is an adoption in which no identifying information about the birth family or the adoptive family is shared, and there is no contact between birth parents and adoptive parents. The adoptive family usually receives non-identifying information about the child and the birth family before placement. In a closed adoption, after finalization, the records are sealed and typically are not available to the adopted child. Was also called traditional adoption in the past

PairTree note: Today, over 90% of all adoptions have some degree of openness. Learn more about 

Child Protective Services. A branch of the Department of Human Services, or other similar governmental department, which has responsibility for ensuring that children are protected from abuse, neglect, and dangerous or unhealthy living conditions. When these conditions exist, or when a birth parent is no longer able to care for a child or children, Child Protective Services is responsible for making an appropriate foster care arrangement and continued follow-up.

A social worker who is responsible for working on a particular client's (family or dependent child's) case (affairs, needs, circumstances, problems, plans, and general well-being, and the records kept on these).

Similar to criminal clearances, this is a method of checking to see if a person has a history of child abuse. This is used as part of the approval process for prospective adoptive parents. In some states there is a central registry where the names of all known child abusers are kept on file. A prospective parent (or employee) must complete a form and submit it to this registry and the registry will send back information indicating that the person is either clear or has a record. These clearances must be updated annually as part of the annual updating of a home study.

In adoption, this usually refers to private information about a child or child's birth family, which is not shared with the general public and may be only partially shared with the adoptive family. Confidential information might include the birth parents last names, addresses, names and addresses of siblings, reasons why the child came into placement, information about physical or sexual abuse, birth parents' history of substance abuse, criminal history, reasons child moved from previous foster or adoptive homes, and in-depth information about the child's disabilities.

Protection of one's personal identifying information, or other information of a personal nature. Adoption agencies may not disclose identifying information about any client to any other source except in special circumstances as described in licensing regulations (such as when there is a child abuse allegation).

Consent to adoption may refer to a legal document signed by the birth parents to give legal intent to their desire for the adoption of their child, or a document issued by the adoption agency allowing the adoptive family to finalize the adoption after all agency and legal requirements have been met.

May also be called an Act of Surrender, Relinquishment or Termination of Parental Rights

An open adoption or cooperative adoption allows for varying degrees of communication between the birth family, adoptees, and adoptive parents. This can range from picture and letter sharing, to phone calls to contact through an intermediary, and open contact between the parties themselves. Many adoptions of older children and teens are at least partially open, since the children may know identifying or contact information about members of their birth families, or may want to stay in touch with siblings placed separately.

A process through which a person can receive assistance in sorting out issues and reaching decisions appropriate to their life circumstances. Counseling for adoption should be done by trained, experienced, adoption counselors. Birth Parent counseling should involve exploration of all options, including parenting the child, kinship adoption, foster care and various types of adoptions, and should be a part of the adoption of any newborn infant.

Similar to child abuse clearances, this is a method of checking through the state police department to determine if a person has a criminal record. The state supplies forms and the clearances must be updated on an annual basis. In adoptions, all adults living in a household must obtain criminal and child abuse clearances prior to a child being placed in that home.

The legal responsibility for the care and maintenance of a child. Custody can be awarded by the court to an agency, such as a department of children and youth services, or to an individual. A department of children and youth services may assign this responsibility to another agency (known as a provider agency) while retaining legal custody of a child. Child welfare departments retain legal custody for children who are in foster care or pre-adoptive homes.

Process in which birth parents choose the individual or couple who will adopt their child and designates the placement of the child while still having the benefits of an agency-assisted adoption.

A disrupted adoption occurs when a child leaves the adoptive home prior to the finalization of the adoption. This can occur in three situations: (1) In a legal risk adoption, usually involving a newborn infant, the birth parents revoke their consent to the adoption, during the time period when this is still possible; (2) The adoptive parents choose not to continue with their plan to parent the child for reasons of their own; or (3) The agency disrupts the adoption if the adoptive parents are not complying with post-placement requirements or are endangering the child in some way.

Similar to disruption, a dissolution is sometimes called a failed adoption 

. In a dissolution a child leaves the adoptive home after the adoption has been finalized. Once it has been finalized, birthparents cannot dissolve an adoption, but adoptive parents or the courts may be able to in extreme circumstances.

An adoption within the same country in which the adoptive parents reside; the adoption of a U.S. child by a family residing in the United States.

Some agencies are authorized to approve a family for both foster parenting and adoption. When an agency provides dual licensing, foster parents and adoptive parents go through the same home study training and background check processes, and in the end receive approval to provide foster and/or adoptive care.

Expectant mother is used to describe a woman who is currently pregnant. She has not given birth yet. When discussing adoption, the term expectant mother is used to describe someone who has not yet decided to place their baby for adoption. An expectant mother is still making decisions regarding the future of her child.

Similar to criminal clearances, this is a method of checking through the Federal Bureau of Investigation to see if a person has a criminal record. In addition to completing an information form, the person must be fingerprinted. There is a fee for FBI clearances, and they must be updated annually. They are not required in every state.

The words we choose convey a lot about the way we think about certain topics or situations.

In adoption, words and language matter. The adoption journey is full of emotions for everyone, and unfortunately, the words and phrases sometimes used in adoption can spur negative feelings or reactions.

The concept of positive adoption language was first introduced in 1979 by a Minneapolis social worker, Marietta Spencer. The purpose of positive adoption language was to correct previously used negative adoption language, and convey respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity about the decisions made by expectant parents and adoptive parents during the adoption process.

Positive adoption language encourages the world around us to view adoption not as a last resort, or second-best option, but rather a positive option and decrease the stigma associated with adoption - for all members of the adoption triad.

While we don’t agree with some of the terms shared in our Adoption Glossary, they are still terms that may be used, or terms that may be visible in older information, we include them to make it easier for people to find the information they’re looking for. If it’s a term we don’t agree with, or isn’t a positive adoption language term, we will share that in the definition and what we should use instead.


Sometimes called failed placement, disruption occurs when a child leaves the adoptive home prior to the finalization of the adoption.

Preferred language: Disrupted Placement (Adoption) - A birth family choosing to parent is not a failure.

Expectant Moms – Does Anyone…Get It?

Some Ways to Find Support During the Adoption Process

Find an online support group.

Find a therapist or other mental health specialist.

Reach out to people in your life.

Are you a trailblazer? Start your own support group!

Expectant Mother Resources

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