Coffee & Conversations: Open Adoption with Jess Nelson
By Jess Nelson, Community Manager, PairTree
April 1, 2024
If I had to make a list of the top 5 questions I would get asked about adoption when working for an adoption attorney, one would always be “what is open adoption?” And the answer is, there isn't just one answer.
Open adoption is different for everyone - no two open adoptions are the same. But you shouldn’t be afraid of open adoption.
No matter what type of open adoption you have, it is about having love in your heart for every member of the triad, being respectful of each other's boundaries, having healthy communication, and making an effort for both the birth and adoptive families to build a relationship that works for everyone.
In this Coffee & Conversations session, we discuss:
- What is open adoption, and why you shouldn't be afraid of it.
- Who benefits from open adoption.
- The importance of putting open adoption agreements in writing.
- What to do during seasons of silence.
Jess Nelson: Good morning everybody. My name is Jess, I am the Community Manager here at PairTree. Just a little bit about me, before I joined the team here at PairTree, I spent several years working for an adoption attorney in Louisiana. But what makes me the most qualified to talk about open adoption today is probably the fact that I am part of one. I am a birth mom of 2 and I have 2 very different adoption stories. I placed my first daughter for adoption through an agency in what was supposed to be an open adoption. The adoptive parents closed it very shortly after finalization, and that was in 2011, and then I placed my second daughter for adoption in 2018, through a private adoption attorney, who I actually ended up working for, and over the last 6 years we have shown up every day and put in the work and just built an incredible open adoption relationship.
And so that's what we're gonna be talking about today, a little bit more about open adoption and also how to navigate it. And while we're going if you have any questions, or I talk about something, and you wanna talk about it more. Just unmute yourself or post a question in the chat. I made myself a little outline, just so I don't go off on a tangent. But wherever if there's anything that all of you wanna talk about, or any specific questions that you have just let me know.
Open adoption is one of the things that I am most passionate about. Obviously, because I live in it every day. But also I'm a huge advocate for open adoption, and I love educating prospective adoptive parents on open adoption and what it looks like. And really how important it is for adoptees to be able to grow up in an open adoption and have those connections and ties to their birth, family, and their origin.
Which is probably fortunate and unfortunate. Because that means that everyone gets to kind of decide what works best for them and what works for some might not work for others. What my open adoption story looks like is probably really intimidating to a lot of prospective, adoptive parents as they're just getting started on the adoption process. But that's the beauty of open adoption, is that it's a relationship just like any other relationship. It's going to ebb and flow and grow and evolve. And as you're going through different seasons of life, that relationship is going to change along with you.
4 Key Takeaways about Open Adoption
So if you forget everything else I say today there are 4 things that I want you to walk away with:
- Don’t be afraid of open adoption
- Put it in writing
- Don’t over promise and under-deliver
- Closed adoption doesn’t mean you get to forget
What is Open Adoption?
Jess: The first question that I get a lot when talking to prospective, adoptive parents is what is open adoption and truly open adoption can be anything from a yearly, a semi annual, a quarterly text or email exchange with pictures and updates for important milestones. It can be an open line of communication. It could mean annual visits. It could mean frequent visits. In my open adoption, prior to me moving 1,200 miles away, we went to church and went to lunch every single Sunday afternoon. So I lovingly and jokingly refer to my open adoption story as a kind of kick, the door wide open adoption, which is not how my open adoption story started out, and I'll kind of get into that and a little bit of the evolution of my open adoption relationship.
5 Misconceptions about Open Adoption
Jess: When we talk about open adoption, I feel like there are so many misconceptions about open adoption.
Open Adoption is Not Co-Parenting
Jess: The first one, and the biggest one is that open adoption is not co-parenting. I spoke with a prospective, adoptive family last week and I think this is one conversation that will be ingrained in me to my core. One of the members of this couple said when I kind of asked them why they were only interested in connecting with an expectant mom that was only open to a closed adoption this person said that when a birth Mom and I, this is the absolute wrong language to use, but to give the context as to how much education is needed on open adoption, they said that. “Well, when a birth mom gives up her child, she gives up any rights to her child, and to know you know what's going on in that child's life” and I think so much of that comes from this fear that open adoption is co-parenting.
Because lifetime movies do not do us any favors when they use adoption as a storyline. I feel like so many adoptive parents just have this deep seeded fear and this vision in the back of their mind that open adoption means that one day down the road their kiddo's birth mom is gonna show up on their doorstep in the middle of the night, wanting to take their kiddo back. And that's just not accurate at all. And so the media really does birth parents and the adoption community no service when it comes to portraying adoption in the media and especially open adoption. But open adoption is not co-parenting.
I have an incredible open adoption relationship with my daughter and her parents, and we talk almost every day. But I am not involved in those day to day parenting decisions. She just started kindergarten this year. I don't get consulted about where she's gonna go to kindergarten or what sports she's gonna play or anything like that. I get updated as to how she's doing in kindergarten. I get, you know, her T ball pictures and sassy stories about things that she does or things like that. But I'm not involved in her day to day parenting and we know that as birth parents, we don't expect to be co-parents. When we make an adoption plan and enter into an open adoption we just want to be involved in some way. We just want to know that our kiddos are safe and happy and healthy, and we don't expect to be involved in day-to-day decisions. That's not our place, and we know that and so the the first biggest misconception that I encounter a lot is that open adoption is co-parenting and it is absolutely not.
Open Adoption is for Birth Parents
Jess: The second biggest misconception I feel like we have about open adoption is that open adoption is for the birth parents. I feel like some adoption professionals will sometimes use open adoption as almost a selling point to convince expectant moms to move forward with an adoption plan. And it's not for us. Can open adoption absolutely help in our healing as birth parents. Yes, of course. Having that direct connection to my daughter has been so beneficial to my healing. But open adoption is truly for adoptees. It is, it is child centered, it is, it should be child centered. It is to make sure that we can maintain those biological ties and make sure that as adoptees grow they have access to their origin story.
Open Adoption is Easy
Jess: The third misconception is that open adoption is easy, and from first hand experience, I tell you, open adoption is not easy, and that is coming from someone who has a really great relationship both with my daughter and her family. I talk to my daughter's adopted mom 3 or 4 times a week. And second to the relationship that I have with my husband, my open adoption relationship is probably the relationship that I value the most. But it's not easy. It took a heck of a lot of work to get to the point that we are in our relationship and not just work for me, it’s work for her as well. We had to get to know each other, to build this level of trust. And so when you enter into open adoption. It's not just an easy relationship to build. It takes a lot of work on everyone's part and it takes work to maintain that relationship, because this relationship is one that's going to be maintained for life.
Jess: Because now you have to figure out how to make this relationship work with these 2 people from usually very different backgrounds, sometimes across the country. And you oftentimes don't have those professionals in the middle helping guide you through the adoption process. Once the adoption is finalized you're oftentimes, you know, you have to figure this out on your own. You have to figure out how this relationship exists outside of the professionals that have been guiding you this far, and also how this relationship exists. Now that you know you're not pregnant as a birth parent and making an adoption plan anymore. You've had this baby. This baby isn't in your arms anymore. And so now, you guys have to figure out how to build that relationship, and it's not easy. It takes work on everybody's part.
Open Adoption is Confusing for a Child
Jess: The next misconception is that open adoption is confusing for the child, and I feel like I hear that a lot from prospective adoptive parents, when they talk about a reason why they might be hesitant to enter into or pursue an open adoption is, they feel like it's going to be confusing. And I will tell you, if you talk about adoption early and often in your home, it is not confusing.
Just for a little bit of context. I placed my first daughter for adoption again in 2011 and our open adoption turned closed. Her adoptive parents reached out to me a couple of years ago and said that she had a lot of questions and they really couldn't avoid them anymore. So they wanted to know if I was open to talking to her, and I thought in the back of my mind, yes, of course, I never went anywhere. I've been here the whole time but I said Yes, of course. So we started exchanging a couple of letters and the second letter that she sent to me said that she wanted to know why I didn't want her, and she told me that she sits up in bed every night, and cries herself to sleep because I didn't want her. And to me, not only seeing a completely different and being part of a completely different adoption story, but being an adoption professional, who personally and professionally sits in this space every day, I can see the difference in how they have talked to her about adoption, and how little they have talked to her about it, and how little they have told her her adoption story. Compared to my 6 year old daughter that I place for adoption, who will facetime once in a while and just pick up the phone and say, Hi, Miss Jess, that's what she calls me Miss Jess. I'll say, Hi, Ella, and she goes, I just wanted to ask you a question. Okay. I grew in your tummy right? Yep, that's right. But mommy's my mom. Yup, that's absolutely right. She goes okay, bye.and hangs up the phone. And that is the extent of our conversation. But at 6 years old she knows who I am. She knows that I'm her birth mom. She might not know exactly what that means at 6 years old, but she knows that I grew in her tummy. But mommy's her mom.
And when you talk about adoption early and often, and maintain those connections with your kiddo's birth families, open adoption isn't confusing for them. And there are so many great resources to help navigate those conversations in your home. One of my favorite children's books is Surrounded by Love, which is an open adoption story, and it's written by Alison Olsen. She is an author, an adoptee, and also an adoptive mom. And she essentially wrote this book because she grew up in a closed adoption and had an open adoption with her daughter. But she wrote the book that she didn't have and it's just such a beautiful children's book that really helps illustrate what an open adoption is and it's a great tool and resource to be able to talk about it in your home frequently.
Open Adoption Means My Child Might Love Me Less
Jess: And so the last misconception I feel like I hear about as a fear is that open adoption means my child might love me less and that's just not true. It's not possible. Your kiddo is going to love you as much as humanly possible, but they can also have room in their heart for their birth family. They can love their birth, mom and you at the same time. And it doesn't mean that they're going to love you less. They love us differently. But open adoption doesn't mean that your kiddo is going to love you any less. They have plenty of room in their heart and in their life for both birth and adoptive families.
Jess: Any questions about some of the misconceptions about open adoption or anything like that? Okay, I'll just keep on rolling then.
E.S.: I have one question. So when we do our adoption profile, the agency has told us to make it specific to like the birth mother. And something you mentioned was, you know, it's more about having what's best for the child? Do you have any feedback on that? Or suggestions for how to be supportive, or we wanna be supportive to the birth mother for her looking at our profile but also to get across that, you know, we're here to raise this child in the best way that we can with your support. I don't know.
Jess: From a birth mom's perspective, the thing that I tried to get across to prospective adoptive families when building your profile or designing your profile book is you want to show first that you keep the expectant parent at the center of your profile, because she's the one that's reading it. But at the end of the day she's looking at your profile and reviewing your profile book trying to envision her kiddo growing up with you and in your life and in your home. And so when you are, especially when you're talking about open adoption in your profile and in your profile book, you obviously want to show that you have a positive view of open adoption, because that's one of the things that it's one of the first things that expecting and birth families look for is, how do you feel about open adoption? Because that shows me how you're going to talk about me in your home. How much of a presence I'm going to have in your home and things like that.
Jess: But when it comes to specifically talking about open adoption. don't say that you specifically, you want to have 5 visits a year, or you want to text on a daily basis, or anything like that, because you don't want to over-promise and under-deliver, and that might not be what she wants, and you don't know how your relationship is going to grow and evolve over time, and so keep an expectant mom and expectant parents at the center of your profile. Make sure that you're talking about open adoption positively. But ultimately, when you build your profile and profile book, make sure that you are letting her see what her child's life could be like, what her child's life could be like in your home and in your family.
Does that make sense?
E.S.: Yes, that helps. Thank you.
L.S.: Jess, can I ask a question as well? Sorry. Can you touch on how to navigate an open adoption with someone who struggles with addiction or any kind of colorful background and how to still center a birth mom? I know you sit on the lifetime healing foundation and have contact with so many birth moms. So I would just love to hear more about that, too. Thank you.
Jess: So the biggest thing when you are navigating open adoption with a birth family that might be in unsafe circumstances, or have an unsafe background or something like that is, you have to make sure that above all, first and foremost, at the end of the day you are doing what's best for your kiddo, and if that means that visits don't happen until birth families are clean and safe and stable then that's what you have to do. You have to make sure that you are protecting your kiddo and making them the priority. And most birth families are going to understand that. They want to show up. We want to show up. We want to be present. We want to be in the best space we can for our kids. But sometimes birth parents get stuck in a cycle of addiction, or homelessness, or unsafe circumstances or situations and if you have to go no contact for a little while, that's okay. But like I said, if you have to go no contact, or you're in a season of silence, that doesn't mean that birth families don't exist. It doesn't mean that you get to forget about them and not still do the things that you say you're going to do. Still send the updates. If you can't send the updates, or they say I'm not in a place, I don't want to get an update right now. Get a rubber tote and put them all in a box, save everything. Write the birthday cards, put the artwork that you want to send them in there, get the birthday gifts or the Christmas gifts, and put them in a box for when that door open again, for when that communication is back open.
If you are in an active situation where your kiddo's birth family is struggling with addiction, or in an unsafe situation, every situation is different, but there are things that you can do to maintain that relationship, but still keep everyone safe. I worked with a birth mom who connected with an adoptive family while she was in jail and then she got out and she went to rehab, and she was still struggling with addiction. She was living in rehab, but she still wanted to be able to build this relationship and keep in touch with the adoptive family. And so she asked them to essentially get a burner phone. They paid 50 bucks for the phone and it's 20 bucks a month. But it was a separate number, it was not their personal cell phone numbers, but it was still a direct line of communication to them, and that not only allowed her to keep that relationship to keep that connection, but it also kept the adoptive family safe for a couple of reasons, one because she was in active addiction, and she was in rehab, but also her rehab that she was in wasn't in the greatest area of town. It wasn't always the safest place to be. And so she wanted to make sure that if her phone did get stolen or anything like that, whoever stole her phone wouldn't have the adoptive parents direct contact information; they only had this burner phone. And a year later she was clean and sober and living on her own, and in a good place they got rid of that essentially burner phone and went back to having just that direct line of communication through their own personal cell phones. And so there's lots of things that you can do to keep everyone safe, but also still maintain that connection.
Did that answer your question Laurie?
L.S.: A hundred percent. Thank you very much.
Jess: Any other questions? Okay, deal.
Open Adoption Best Practices
Jess: When it comes to open adoption, I have a couple of best practices I always advocate for and the first is to put it in writing, and when I say put it in writing, I'm talking about a post adoption contact agreement, or an open adoption agreement, which is essentially writing down and agreeing to the expectations or the bare minimum that everyone agrees to and an open adoption, and that can mean we agree to send one update a month, one visit a year, or we agree to send 2 updates a month, or or anything like that. But it puts into writing what you feel like you can reasonably commit to. And this means that in the busiest season of life. When you have a newborn and you are moving, and you know your mother-in-law is moving in with you when you are in the busiest season of life. This is what I can commit to, and this does not mean that this is only what you are agreeing to. This doesn't mean that this is all you can do. I know there are some people that disagree with post adoption contact agreements or open adoption agreements because they feel like it establishes a bare minimum, and that's all you can do. But that's not true. An open adoption agreement is to set those reasonable expectations so that you know when you're in the busiest season of life, this is what you are committing to, and this is what you can expect as a birth family. But that doesn't mean that’s all you have to do. If you only agree to or if you commit to one update a month, but you're sending updates weekly. That is great, that is building the foundation for such a great relationship. But when you're in that super busy season of life, and you can only send one update a month, that's okay.
My second best practice is don't over-promise and under-deliver. Don't promise an expectant or birth mom the moon and only deliver the highway. Don't tell her that you are going to send updates every single week. You're gonna text every day you're gonna visit once a month. Don't tell her those things because you think that that's what she wants to hear, because after that placement happens, and after the adoption is finalized, if you're not holding up to that, she's completely lost her trust in you. Which shatters the foundation for an open adoption, and it's really hard to build that trust back.
Jess: In most states, they're not legally enforceable. But they're still best practice, because even though they're not legally enforceable, they still set that expectation when I was working in Louisiana for an attorney, PACA’s, post-adoption contact agreements, were not enforceable, but we strongly encouraged them. Almost every family that we worked with did one, and we filed them with finalization paperwork. A case that we had worked on years prior, they had agreed, they had a really great open adoption with the kiddos birth mom. But the birth father just wanted an email update once a year. He called our office one day because he hadn't gotten our A, his annual update. So we verified his contact information, and then we called the Adoptive family to check in and see what was going on and life had just gotten busy. They had moved into a new house, and they just completely forgot to send that update. But they got that email update sent out that day. And so there were no legal repercussions for them for getting to send that update. The birth father wasn't mad, he just wanted to know, you know, what was going on. And they got that update sent out that day because they had put it in writing. And they had agreed and knew that that is what they had promised, and that's what they were committed to doing.
Jess: And as you're going through the adoption process, your adoption professional should help you draft a post post adoption contact agreement like, I said, even if it's not legally enforceable just sitting down with those expectant parents or your kiddos birth family and your adoption professional, just figuring out what everyone can commit to does so much for adding a layer of trust to that relationship, and also helps everyone know what the expectation is for communication moving forward. I can talk for an entire hour on post adoption contact agreements, and what to include and how to draft them, so that might be a lengthy conversation for another day.
Navigating Open Adoption
Jess: When you are navigating open adoption, that communication can look different at the beginning and grow and evolve over time. At first, while you are getting to know each other, you know, you might go through a generic line of communication. Oftentimes I would help families set up generic Gmail addresses. An email address for either the adoptive parents and the birth mom. And they would use those email addresses to exchange updates back and forth. And sometimes that is not only to keep everyone safe while you're building this relationship. But it's also a form of self-preservation for birth parents.
Sometimes as birth parents, seeing updates are hard. Birthdays, adoption days, Mother's Day. Things like that these days can be really hard for birth parents. And do we absolutely want you to send us an update or birthday pictures or Birth Mother's Day, and Mother's Day cards and thank yous and pictures and updates and things like that, absolutely. But sometimes they're really hard to see. And so having that generic email address or line of communication means that we can view that update or those photos when we're in a good place when we feel like we can handle it. And we're ready to see that sometimes. Getting pictures sent to my phone, you know, just randomly. Especially that first year not so much anymore. But that first year, like I could see it was a text message from my daughter's mom and sometimes I couldn't open it right away, because I knew it was going to be pictures, or you know some milestone that Ella had done, or some update. and sometimes they were just harder to see on some days than others. And so sometimes, having that generic line of communication is really a form of self-preservation for birth moms as well, and like I said, your relationship is going to change over time.
When I first entered into my open adoption with my daughter's family, we would exchange pictures and text, and we would have a big group dinner every couple of months. Often with Janee and Ella and 2 of our mutual friends. It was never just us, it was never just the 3 of us or her immediate family. It was always a group, and it was neutral. It was always at a restaurant and then, after about a year Janee started bringing their older kids to dinner, and then it was just us and her older kids. And then, as our relationship grew her older kids started inviting me to their family events. Her older son is an avid baseball player, and our older daughter was really active in theater, so they would invite me to their baseball games and her performances and then that turned into me, spending holidays with them. There were a couple of years that I spent Christmas with them. I went trick-or-treating with them. But then I moved 1,200 miles away, and we had to figure out if our relationship still worked despite the distance and it was really freaking hard. For the first 6 to 9 months that I was away, it was awkward. It was almost like we were getting to know each other again, and we had to figure out how our relationship worked when we didn't still live 10 miles apart. But we both put in the work we both showed up and we made it work, and our relationship looks a lot different now. I don't get to see Ella, you know, for church and lunch every Sunday. I only get to see her once a year, but we Facetime, we talk, we Facetime on holidays. And so we've adjusted and kind of re-established what our relationship looks like. But it didn't start that way, and we both realized how important this relationship was for Ella and how important Ella is to both of us. So we both showed up, and we both have put in the work and we have this beautiful relationship today.
But that's not to say that seasons of silence aren't unexpected in open adoption relationships, a completely closed adoption in 2024 is nearly impossible, just between social media and you know, empowering, expectant and birth families to choose the family that they want for their child. It's nearly impossible to have a closed adoption, but when you are in an open adoption, and that adoption kind of becomes closed, or that door becomes closed for a little while, or you're in a season of silence, ask yourselves why? Because oftentimes there are so many other things going on in a birth family's life and adoption is just one tiny part of that.
You know, we as birth moms don't dream of becoming birth moms. One day tell our guidance counselors when we're in high school that I want to be a birth mom when I grow up. It's not really a goal that we have for ourselves. So we're usually making an adoption plan for a reason. And so when your open adoption becomes closed, it's often because there's other things going on. Whether that means whether that be a housing crisis, financial instability, addiction, abusive situations. There are so many other potential high stress situations, and they just cannot be present in their open adoption right now, and when a birth family is worried about being evicted, or making rent, or getting themselves out of an unsafe situation responding to that text message, or that update is probably the furthest thing from their mind.
But when you're in those seasons of silence. I just ask you to remember that birth parents still exist in those seasons; your kiddo's birth parents have closed the adoption, for whatever that reason may be. Don't shut that door permanently. Give them grace. Give them some space, but don't forget about them. You need to still honor and love them in your home still. Talk about them with love and respect. And when your kiddo asks, why haven't I heard from them? Why can't I see them? You can answer those tough questions in age appropriate ways. But save the things that you would send them, save the pictures, save the updates, the artwork, the gifts, and put them aside, for when that door opens again
I have a giant rubber tote for my daughter for all of the birthday cards that I've written to her, Christmas cards, birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, things like that, letters I've written to her. I have them all in a rubber tote for when that door opens again one day and when I'm able to give that to her so that she can know that all of these years I have still thought about her. I have still, you know, wanted that line of communication to be open and adoptive parents should be the same. You should still be able to show that when that door opens again, 6 months, a year or 2 years later, you should be able to go to your kiddo's birth family and say, I know we didn't talk to you, but we still thought about you. We still did these things for you. We still held space for you. That is going to mean the world to them and also maintain that level of trust and respect that they have for you.
Jess: I think we covered everything I had wanted to talk through today. But does anyone have anything? They want to go back to any questions, anything you didn't really talk about. Okay. I guess that means I did my job today.
L.S.: I just wanna say, thank you so much for sharing so openly your own personal stories. I think it is so insightful and helps so much for so many people. So I wish more people attended. This is so incredible that all 12 of us, or 13 of us, got to hear your story and learn from you. So. Thank you.
Jess: Thank you. Thank you everyone for being here. And if you, if any of you have individual questions or one-off questions, my inbox is always open. You can always grab time on my calendar if you want to circle back to anything I talked about. You can email me anytime at jess@pairtreefamily.com.
Jess Nelson Jess Nelson is the Community Manager at PairTree, focused on growing the resources, programs and education offered for both expectant and birth families, and adoptive families. Jess has spent the last 5 years working in the field of private adoption, first as a paralegal for an Adoption Attorney in Louisiana and most recently with PairTree. As a birth mom of two through private adoption, her firsthand experience of both agency and attorney adoption led her to becoming an adoption professional and join the fight for reform and post placement care for birth moms.