The 30 Most Common Questions Expectant and Birth Parents Have About Adoption

1. I’m considering placing my child for adoption, what should I do now?

First, you should understand all of your options - parenting, termination, or adoption. Don’t make a permanent decision based on temporary circumstances. We can direct you to support and resources to help change your temporary circumstances.

If you want to explore adoption, you should understand your rights as an expectant or birth parent. Our Expectant Mom Bill of Rights explains the services and support you should receive while making a safe and healthy adoption plan.

Then, you should connect with a local, licensed, and ethical adoption professional. Don’t worry – PairTree has created a nationwide network of free, experienced, licensed and ethical professionals who will help guide you, make sure you have choice and control over your decisions, and that your preferences are honored throughout your journey.

2. How does the adoption process work?

Our Expectant Moms Guide to Adoption (written by an adoption professional and two-time birth mom) walks you through every step of the adoption process - from understanding all of your options, to knowing your rights as an expectant mom, to navigating post-adoption support.

The most important steps in the adoption process are:

1. Understand your options.
2. Understand your rights as an expectant mom.
3. Connect with a local, licensed professional and choose an adopting family.
4. Make an adoption plan.
5. Take advantage of post-placement support and counseling.

3. Do I get to choose the adoptive family?

Yes! You have the right to direct access to as many families as you need to find exactly who you are looking for without pressure from anyone to choose a specific family. Your choice of families should not be dictated by the limited families available in the adoption professional’s immediate network.

4. How do I know the adoptive parents are safe?

When you’re looking at family profiles, look for the Home Study Approved badge…this will let you know that a family has completed their home study by a licensed, ethical professional.

A Home Study lets you know that the family you choose has completed extensive education, undergone rigorous background checks, participated in an interview process and had their home personally evaluated by a licensed professional.

5. Do expectant moms or birth moms get paid for adoption?

All expectant and birth moms are legally allowed a certain amount of living expenses – the amount will vary from state to state. Be sure to check your state adoption laws to learn more about what qualifies as expectant or birth mom expenses.

PairTree does not provide birth moms any compensation, nor do we facilitate or take any portion of any fees exchanged between an adoptive parent and birth mom.

6. Can I get help with expenses?

When talking with adopting families, be sure they and their adoption professional know you need help. Financial assistance is a normal part of the process, and is regulated by State law. The law allows for assistance to pay for things like pregnancy-related expenses, living expenses while you’re pregnant, medical needs and counseling. The adopting family can put you in touch with their attorney or agency to start the process.

If you do not already have health insurance, you may qualify for Medicaid. An adoption service professional (like an attorney, social worker or agency) should be able to help you secure coverage, whether you ultimately decide to place or not.

7. Will my child know who I am?

You can choose how much contact you would like to have with your child and his or her adoptive parents. The more honest and direct your relationship is with the adopting parents, the more flexibility you’ll have in this decision.

Maybe you want to be very involved from the start, maybe you don’t know how much involvement you want, but want the option to decide later… the more honest you are about your feelings with the adopting parents, the better. To learn more about open adoption, check this out.

8. What is an “open” adoption?

Today, the vast majority (over 90%!) of infant adoptions in the U.S. have some degree of openness, which means that birth parent identities are not kept from the child or adoptive family, and there is often some agreed-upon ongoing contact between birth and adoptive families.

Contact in an open adoption may include the exchange of letters and photographs, phone calls, emails, visits – whatever you and the adoptive family are comfortable with.

9. Is there any type of agreement in writing about our open adoption?

A Post-Adoption Contact Agreement, or Open Adoption Agreement, will set expectations for future communications and lay the groundwork for your relationship with the adopting family.

You and the adopting family will come to an agreement on the level and type of contact that you are all comfortable with. You’re in the driver’s seat here and know that your relationship will most likely evolve and communication preferences can change based on what you want: become more frequent, comfortable, and less formal.

A Post-Adoption Contact Agreement should answer three main questions:

1. How much contact do I want?
2. How often do I want contact?
3. How do I want to receive that contact?

10. Are the adoptive parents going to be at the hospital?

Part of your adoption plan will be to create a Hospital Plan. This will outline who you want at the hospital with you, how much time you want to spend with your baby in the hospital, who you want in the delivery room with you and even your baby’s name. It is completely up to you to decide who you want in the room with you during delivery and during your hospital stay. You can decide if the adoptive parents you have chosen can be at the hospital, or if you want that time for yourself.

To learn more about a Birth Mother’s perspective on the hospital experience, check out this article.

11. What if the child’s father does not know and/or agree to the adoption?

Tell your attorney and the adopting parents you are connecting with right away. Their adoption agency or attorney must try their best to locate the expectant father and inform him of his rights.

Expectant fathers’ rights vary from state to state. In some states, the father may be required to be involved within a certain time frame to have parental rights and parent his child. If the expectant father supports the adoption and wants to be involved, he has a right to receive the same counseling and support as you do.

12. If I choose adoption, how much contact can/will I have with my child and his/her adoptive family?

The level of contact you have with your child and his/her adoptive family will depend on what all of you are comfortable with. This is where an Open Adoption Agreement is helpful. An Open Adoption Agreement, or Post-Adoption Contact Agreement will set reasonable expectations for communication moving forward, and help hold all members of the triad accountable.

13. How will I feel after I place my baby for adoption?

Experiences and emotions vary from parent to parent, but placing a child for adoption is never an easy decision for anyone. Even birth parents who feel very secure in their decision experience a real sense of grief and loss. This loss can only be worked through and reconciled if it is recognized, and if a birth parent receives the ongoing help and support she needs.

All birth parents are entitled to understanding, counseling, and support. This is necessary to help heal, reconcile feelings, grieve during and after the adoption, and feel a sense of peace about the decision. Adoption may be a one-time legal event, but it has a lifelong impact for those involved, and it is different for each individual experiencing it.

14. Will I have my own attorney?

Yes, you absolutely should! In some states, it is a legal requirement. In every adoption, there should be at least two attorneys– at least one for the adoptive parents and one for the birth parents. Your attorney will meet with you before you sign any documents to ensure you are able to make an informed, educated decision and receive an adequate explanation of the legal process from an unbiased party.

At any point during the adoption process, your own attorney will be available to you for any questions, support and guidance. This attorney should be provided to you at no cost to you.

15. How much time do I get to spend with my baby in the hospital?

As much as you want to and are comfortable with! It is up to you to decide who you want in the room with you during delivery and during your hospital stay. You can decide if the adoptive parents you have chosen can be at the hospital, or if you would prefer that time for yourself. Even if you are willing to allow the adopting family to come to the hospital, we still encourage you to take some time for yourself - just you and your baby.

16. Do I get to name my baby?

Yes! You can absolutely choose your baby’s name, and we encourage you to do so, that way you will always have a special connection to your child. You should also be provided an original copy of your child’s birth certificate.

17. What questions should I ask potential adoptive parents?

The first step is to decide what’s important to you in an adopting family. Some common priorities for expectant parents are:

• Race
• Religion
• Location (same state or different)
• Family Structure (kids or no kids, traditional or same-sex couple)

Once you decide what is important to you, start looking at hopeful adopting family profiles. You have the right to look at as many families as you need to find exactly who you are looking for without pressure from anyone to choose a specific family. Your choice of families should not be limited by the families an adoption professional has. You do not have to settle.

Some important questions to ask:

• Do you have friends or family members who have adopted?
• Is open adoption important to you?
• Why do you want to adopt?
• How do you plan to provide racial mirrors in your home? (if you’re considering placing your child with a family of a different race)
• Is your family supportive of you adopting?

18. Should I tell my friends and family about my adoption plan?

That’s up to you, but chances are they will find out about your pregnancy eventually.

If you don’t want to tell them because you’re afraid of how they will react, be sure to talk to your attorney or social worker - they will be able to help you navigate through those difficult conversations.

Having support during your pregnancy, and especially post placement, can be extremely beneficial. Especially in the first weeks after birth, it’s going to be really important to have friends and family to lean on. Not only will you be physically healing from childbirth, but you’ll also be navigating the intense feelings of grief and loss after leaving the hospital with an empty womb and arms. Your body will need time to recover, and adjust to not having a baby to care for. If your family didn’t know or wasn’t supportive of your adoption plan, or you made your adoption plan in secret, you should find at least one person to confide in about your journey. You shouldn’t go through this alone.

19. How long after my baby is born do I have to sign the paperwork?

Each state has different laws regarding adoption paperwork - from when you can sign, to who must be present when you sign.

Some states allow you to sign paperwork consenting to the adoption anytime after delivery. Some states have a certain amount of time that must pass (post delivery) before you can sign (24 hours, 48 hours, 72 hours, etc). A small number of states allow you to sign adoption paperwork prior to birth, but you shouldn’t sign any documentation terminating your parental rights pre-birth, even if your state allows it!

Just because your state laws allow you to sign at a certain time, does not mean that you have to sign then.

BEFORE YOU SIGN ANYTHING MAKE SURE:

• You are confident in your decision. Ask questions and don’t be afraid to say you need more time.
• You understand the process. Terminating your parental rights is a legal process and you will be signing legal documents that will be filed with the Court.

20. Does adoption cost me anything?

No! Making an adoption plan should never cost you anything.

You should be provided with an attorney at no cost to you, and the adopting family you choose will be responsible for all adoption costs, legal fees, and medical bills. You also have the right to receive financial support during your pregnancy, which will be dictated by your state’s laws.

21. Should I travel to another state to make an adoption plan?

No! If an adoption professional is encouraging you to fly to a different state to make an adoption plan, you shouldn’t be working with that professional!

Oftentimes, unethical adoption providers will encourage expectant moms to fly to more “adoption friendly” states to stay in their “birth parent housing.” “Adoption friendly” states are never friendly towards expectant and birth parents - they almost always cater towards adoptive parents, meaning those states have shorter time periods before you can sign consent paperwork and little to no revocation period. Flying you to a different state is unethical and coercive. You have the right to give birth in your city, in a hospital and with a doctor you are comfortable with.

22. Do I have to decide right now?

No, not at all. This is a big decision - probably the biggest decision you will ever make. Take your time, educate yourself, ask A LOT of questions. Learn from other birth moms who have been where you’re at, like Jess.

23. Can I meet the adoptive parents first?

Yes! Ideally you would meet in person, but if that’s just not possible then set up Zoom calls or FaceTime. You should never be expected to choose a family without being able to talk to them first.

It’s also important to know that you can talk to more than one family…set up Zoom calls with them, meet in person if possible, and really get to know them before you decide that they’re the right one. Find out what they want future contact to look like.

While open adoption is not co-parenting (you won’t be involved in day-to-day decisions or have parenting input), you can use this time to find a family that has the same values and parenting philosophy as you, and wants you to be part of their lives.

24. Do I have to pick adoptive parents from the same state as me?

Some expectant and birth parents prefer to choose a family local to them, but others prefer to choose a family for other reasons - without location as a priority. You have the right to look at as many families as you need to find exactly who you are looking for without pressure from anyone to choose a specific family. Your choice of families should not be limited by the families an adoption professional has.

The internet has transformed adoption - allowing birth and adoptive families to maintain communication across the country.

25. Can I change my mind about adoption?

Of course, but it’s important to be honest and upfront about how you’re feeling…if you start feeling like adoption isn’t right for you, make sure to let your attorney or case worker know. Your adoption plan isn’t legally binding until after your baby is born and you’ve signed consent paperwork. You won’t be in trouble for changing your mind and choosing to parent.

If you make an adoption plan knowing you are going to parent, and accept financial support, that’s adoption fraud.

It’s very difficult to change your mind about adoption after you have terminated your parental rights…in most states, once you sign your adoption paperwork, it is irrevocable. In some states, there is a revocation period. Be sure to ask your attorney what the laws are in your state.

26. Can I decide after I give birth?

Yes. You can also make an adoption plan even if you’ve already delivered.

Let your doctor or nurse know that you’re considering adoption and they will send the hospital social worker down to help. If you already have a family in mind, you can contact them or their adoption professional. If you need help finding a family, the hospital social worker will have relationships with local agencies that you can choose from, and a case worker from there will come visit you and bring you family profiles to view.

27. What if I haven’t been to the doctor yet?

Prenatal care isn’t just about making sure your baby is healthy - it’s important to make sure you are safe and healthy as well. You can still make an adoption plan, even if you’ve received limited or no prenatal care. If you need help signing up for Medicaid, or finding a doctor near you, we’re happy to help!

You can also make an adoption plan even if you’ve already delivered - just let your doctor or nurse know that you’re considering adoption and they will send the hospital social worker down to help.

28. I struggle with addiction, can I still place my baby for adoption?

Yes! Honesty is key, so it’s important to be upfront and honest about your drug or alcohol use while pregnant - some adoptive parents may feel better equipped to parent a baby exposed to drugs or alcohol than others. You will not be punished, or face any consequences for letting the adoptive family, your case worker, or attorney know that you have been using while pregnant.

29. Will my baby go into foster care?

If you’re making an adoption plan, your baby will not go into foster care. If you’re concerned about Child Protective Services (CPS) being involved, be sure to discuss this with your adoption case worker or attorney as early on in the process as possible.

You might be worried about CPS involvement due to a previous situation, or current substance use, but your adoption attorney or case worker is here to help you understand the process. If your baby does test positive for drugs or alcohol at the hospital, the hospital social worker is legally obligated to let CPS (sometimes called the Department of Child & Family Services) know. However, if there is an adoption plan in place, there should be limited (if any) involvement by Child Protective Services.

30. Can I get counseling after the adoption?

As a birth mother, you should have access to free, lifetime post-placement care. Sometimes the agency or attorney you worked with will provide this to you, either with individual counseling sessions or a support group. If it is not provided through them, the Lifetime Healing Foundation offers in-person birth mother support groups across the US. Staying connected to a support system is vital to your healing process…adoption is for life and your healing and post-placement support should be as well.

Making an adoption plan is a huge decision, and one you shouldn’t take lightly. Hopefully, this information provides you with some guidance and clarity on the adoption process, what you can expect, and the rights you have in making your adoption plan.

This is A LOT of information, so please reach out and ask a lot of questions…we’re here to help connect you with the licensed, ethical professionals you need to healthily navigate the adoption process. Text or call Jess at (206) 279-7578.