Preparing Your Heart & Home for Adoption

You often hear about all of the tangible things you need to do when interested in becoming an adoptive parent, such as getting a home study done, prepping a room in your home, and getting the necessary baby equipment.

But you often don’t think of all of the intangible, and often more important, ways to prepare. The clothes and bed and toys are important, yes, but preparing your mind and heart are even more.

Understand that trauma is always a prerequisite for adoption.

This affects an adoptee throughout their lifetime, and manifests in such a spectrum of challenges.

Become trauma informed! Take classes, read books, listen to podcasts. There are many opportunities and avenues available to do this.

Biological family connection is crucial.

That doesn’t just mean bio mom and dad. All relationships are important, and a “safe” relationship usually can be fostered with some family member. But how do you handle bio family that cannot be found, or doesn’t want a relationship, or truly isn’t safe? You try and keep tabs on their location in case they become safe. You set your child up an email for family members to write to so you can read them first and decide when the right time is to hand that email over to your child. You get a P.O. Box for family to send letters and cards to. You continue to look for healing in the family members you know about, and you continually search for new family members.

Understand the Ghost Kingdom.

It is common for adoptees to have what is called a ghost kingdom, a magical place they concoct in their minds where their parents are royalty and will come back to save them. This often comes out on you in times of discipline, and possibly even an angry profession of “I hate you!” The more birth contact possible, the more allowance for that ghost kingdom to more closely mirror reality.

Gather all of the information you can about that child.

Medical history, family medical history, family names and information, siblings of that child and where they are, photos of that child at any point before now, etc. Gather as much as you can starting as soon as you can. Some adoptees won’t want any it while others will want it all and it is easier for them to toss what they don’t want than hunt down what they do.

Consider siblings.

Often siblings are the only biological mirror an adoptee has the opportunity to grow up with. This is so important. Ask yourself if you could take in siblings that may be born down the road. See if there are already siblings you could connect your child to.

Analyze your current support system.

Are they trauma informed? If not, are they willing to become? Will they support the things so important in adoption, such as bio family relationships and hard behaviors from your child as they process their trauma? If not, seek out people who are that you can add to your support network. Also, seek out current adoptive parents who will be honest with you. What do they wish they knew when they were first starting out? What was the hardest thing about their journey? Can they share their current resources, such as support groups or therapists?

Work on viewing adoption as a lifelong journey.

Give your adoptee space to process all they feel and encounter as they grow. Allow them space to change their mind about how they feel about adoption, you, their birth parents, and everything. Don’t put pressure on them to be grateful or view adoption as a good thing, but encourage them in whatever they are feeling. Understand their anger will often be directed at you, until they can grow and mature and learn tools to handle what is really underneath the anger.

Find an adoption competent therapist.

Not only for not only your child, but for you. Not all therapists view adoption accurately. Ask them what experience they have working with adoptees and adoptive parents. Ask them how they view adoption and why. If their answer mirrors sunshine and rainbows only, run! Secondary trauma is real, and you will probably need a space to work through that, just as much as your adoptee will need a space to work through their trauma.

To find an adoption competent therapist near you, we recommend searching the National Directory of Adoption Competent Professionals from C.A.S.E., the Center for Adoption Support and Education.

Find and utilize resources.

Whether it is books or podcasts or blogs or social media accounts, there are a lot of resources for adoption. Listen to voices from all sides, including adoptees and birth families. Be willing to change how you feel about things, and keep listening even if you disagree. Make sure you have kids books about different families and adoption, and starting reading them to your adoptee early on.

Be Aware of Behaviors & Triggers.

Be aware not to encourage behaviors that stem from adoption trauma, such as people pleasing. Do your best to show unconditional love, so that they learn your love is free and unaffected by how they act. Encourage them to have boundaries and allow them to have a voice in as much as you can. Adoptees often crave control, and the more you can give them the more it builds trust between you and them.

Triggers may lie in the most unexpected places. Birthdays are often tough for adoptees, and when they may wrestle with some tough questions such as of their bio mom remembers and what the day they were born was like. Again, give them the space to process this, and celebrate how they want to that year. Also follow their lead on how you celebrate the anniversary of their adoption, as it may change year to year. And please don’t call it gotcha day! It is dehumanizing to many adoptees.

Adoption is a hard but beautiful journey. There will be bumps and blind curves. Preparing your mind and your heart for adoption, as much as you can as an adoptive parent, is so important.