Letters From A Birth Mom: Control in Adoption

The adoption process is expensive, exhausting, invasive, and full of waiting. When it feels like all of the decisions are in someone else's hands - home study approval, being chosen, finalization - the natural response is to look for something you can control in the process. While there are many things you as prospective adoptive parents can control in the adoption process (your level of education, preferences, choice of adoption professionals), there is one very important member of your adoption journey that you cannot control - an expectant mom.

As a birth mom and adoption professional, I have worked with hundreds of hopeful adoptive families throughout their journey. I’ve spent the last five years educating expectant moms on the adoption process, and walking side by side with them as they make the most complex decision they’ll probably ever face. In my time with prospective adoptive parents, I constantly hear phrases like:

“We want a baby with no drug or alcohol exposure.”

“We want to make sure the baby is healthy - is mom going to the doctor?”

“Can you make sure she is taking prenatals?”

“We want to make sure she follows a clean diet, with no sugar or red dye 40.”

When I hear these statements and similar ones, I realize how uneducated the majority of adopting families are…and how many adopting families think of expectant mothers as surrogates. As a birth mom, there is one thing I want hopeful adoptive parents to understand - we, our bodies, do not belong to you. We are not simply a vessel for you to grow your family through...we are so much more than the chance at parenthood we offer you.

Expectant Mom or Surrogate?

An expectant mom is a woman who is currently pregnant and considering making an adoption plan for her unborn child. A surrogate is a woman who carries and delivers a child for a couple or individual, and is contractually obligated to give that child to its intended parents after delivery - and in most states, is financially compensated to do so.

“But, we’re paying an expectant mom’s expenses - isn’t that the same thing?”

No, it is not. Expectant or birth parent expenses are regulated, limited, and in some states, require court approval. They can include things like rent, groceries, utility payments, maternity clothing, transportation to and from doctor visits, and medical expenses. Most often they aren’t even given directly to an expectant mom - they are paid directly to landlords, utility companies, gift cards for gas, groceries, or clothes. If an adoption professional is giving an expectant or birth parent a $5,000 check for placement, you’re working with the wrong professional. Paying for placement is an unethical and coercive practice in adoption.

The Big Four

As an adoption professional, there are four major areas I constantly hear adopting families express their concerns about in regards to the adoption process, an expectant or birth mom, and her baby. As a birth mom, I want to say out loud some of the things I know you’re thinking…and maybe shed some much-needed light and perspective on them.

1. The Home Study Process
2. Prenatal Care
3. Drug & Alcohol Exposure
4. Eating Habits

The Home Study Process

On more than one occasion, I have heard an adopting family say that the home study process “isn’t fair,” or question why they have to go through the home study process when “she has five kids living in a one-bedroom apartment.” And I get it. The home study process is invasive…you feel exposed after spending hours with a home study provider discussing your childhood trauma, that DUI you got when you were 19, infertility struggles, and the toll that took on your marriage.

Because adoption means you are about to assume the care and responsibility for a baby that is not biologically yours. A baby that has experienced trauma and maternal separation, a child that has already suffered immense loss, a future teen that may struggle with their self-worth and identity and you have to be ready for all of that and so much more. The home study process doesn’t give you a license to parent…it ensures that you are prepared for and able to provide a safe and stable home for an adopted child. Parenting an adopted child is different from parenting a biological child.

Imagine what it’s like being a pregnant woman in an unplanned pregnancy, trying to decide what’s best for her and her family. Trying to choose someone to raise her child, that isn’t her. What an impossible decision. How do you know you’re choosing the right family? You don’t…you can’t.

But knowing that a family has gone through the home study process can offer a sense of comfort that at least these are good people. They’re invested, they’re committed to the process, and they’ll love and protect my child like their own.

Prenatal Care

As a birth mom, I didn’t go to my first prenatal appointment until I was 30 weeks pregnant.

Did I care about my baby? Of course, I did. But I also cared about myself, and I wasn’t ready to accept and face this pregnancy until then.

“It’s not fair that she can get pregnant - she doesn’t even want to be.”

As a birth mom, I thought facing an unplanned pregnancy was the end of the world. Years later, married and ready to start a family but now navigating infertility, I constantly find myself wondering “What if?” What if those were my only two chances of being a mom?

It is immensely difficult to watch others get pregnant with no struggle or assistance, more so if you’ve spent years and thousands of dollars battling infertility. I know a lot of adoptive parents who have struggled with jealousy of their child’s birth mom and her ability to get pregnant and carry a baby to term, and I know there are lots more that don’t say it.

But it’s important to have someone to help work through those feelings…finding support and community on your adoption journey is immensely important. One of our favorite Creating a Family courses can help you understand and navigate some of the complexities involved with coming to adoption through infertility.

Missing doctors' appointments and skipping prenatal vitamins usually do not mean an expectant mom doesn’t care about her baby. If you’ve matched with an expectant mom and she is missing her appointments, ask yourself why.

Can she get to her appointments? It’s not always just the transportation to appointments. Can she afford to take the day off to go? Does she have someone to watch her other kids? How can you help make medical care accessible to her?

Does she like her doctor? Is she comfortable with her doctor and the hospital she goes to? Doctors and nurses, especially in small-town hospitals, are often uneducated about adoption, or they don’t “approve” of an expectant mom’s adoption plan and don’t hesitate to make it known. As an adoption professional, I have helped numerous expectant moms find new doctors when they didn’t feel supported. I’ve demanded better care from nurses who that think because a woman is placing her child for adoption, she doesn’t need the same level of care as a woman keeping her baby.

Is she afraid to go to the doctor? The fear of judgment or shame is so real, and the last place you want to be judged is at the doctor's office. If she is struggling with addiction, an OBGYN’s office isn’t a safe place anymore. If she’s 30 weeks pregnant and going to her first prenatal appointment, she’s probably feeling ashamed and doesn’t need a doctor to make her feel worse.

Is it a coping mechanism? Sometimes, it’s about self-preservation. Do we care about our baby and their health and well-being? Yes, but we also care about ourselves and sometimes not going to the doctor is a coping mechanism…a way to detach ourselves from our pregnancy. And sometimes that’s the only way we get through it.

As a birth mom, do I encourage all expectant women to go to the doctor and take care of themselves? Of course. But it’s also important to meet people where they are and understand the complexities of being pregnant with a child you’re planning to place with someone else.

As adoptive parents, it’s important to understand that you cannot tie your financial assistance to an expectant mom’s healthcare.

Drug & Alcohol Exposure

“We are only open to a newborn with no drug or alcohol exposure.”

If I had a dollar for every time I heard this from prospective adoptive parents, I could put a nice dent in my student loan debt. You’re paying $40,000 - $60,000 to adopt an infant, you should be able to get what you really want, right? Wrong.

My question to you: What do you do when you find out that baby tests positive for methamphetamines? After months of communication and thousands of dollars in fees, do you walk away?

Does a pregnant woman want to struggle with addiction? Does she want to need drugs or alcohol to numb the pain or get through her day? Does she want to put her baby at risk?

No…but it’s not that simple. Maybe she doesn’t have the resources to help fight her addiction…rehab is expensive and usually not covered by Medicaid. Maybe she’s using drugs and alcohol to numb the pain from carrying her abuser’s child.

“We won’t pay her rent if she doesn’t agree to a drug test.”

Again, as adopting parents, you just can’t do this. If this is your mindset - controlling another human being’s body to produce a healthy child for you, domestic infant adoption might not be the path for you. There are so many unknowns in adoption and you have to be prepared for them. Financially manipulating an expectant mother is unacceptable.

Our friends over at Creating a Family have some incredible educational resources on the effects of drug and alcohol exposure in utero, and how to navigate prenatal exposure.

Eating Habits

“We’re paying for her groceries, so we should be able to decide what she eats.”

Yes, this is a real conversation I have had with adoptive parents, and no, they could not decide what she ate simply because they were the ones buying her groceries. I know it is so unbelievably hard to take a backseat when there are so many things you would do differently if you were the pregnant one.

“Avoid sushi.”

“No deli meat.”

“Skip the soft cheese.”

“Only one cup of coffee.”

Oftentimes, a woman is making an adoption plan for financial reasons. When she is struggling to make ends meet, her priority probably is not going to be $7 organic bananas, $5 oat milk, and $15/pound organic chicken…her priority is to just fuel her body the best she can. A single mom of 2, working 3 jobs to make ends meet - sometimes the only thing that gets her through her day is 2 Red Bulls and a bologna sandwich. And that’s okay.

As prospective adoptive parents, you cannot come to adoption in the mindset that you can control what an expectant mom puts in her body and how she takes care of herself.

Making the decision to grow your family through adoption means accepting your child’s birth family as well - flaws and all. It means putting aside preconceived notions and expectations and embracing the unknowns of adoption.

Loving us as your child’s birth parents means loving us through our flaws - our addictions, our trauma, our love of coffee and a crisp Mcdonald's Coke with a side of fries, and our deep-seated fear of judgment from doctors and nurses.

If you're an adoptive, or prospective adoptive parent, with questions about supporting and loving expectant and birth parents through difficult seasons or choices you might struggle to understand, don't hesitate to reach out.

You can schedule a 1:1 call with Jess here.