Speaker Series: How to Spot Unethical Adoption Professionals & Adoption Scams

Part 1: How to Spot Unethical Adoption Professionals

Part 2: How to Spot Adoption Scam Red Flags

Keeping Families Safe Transcript

Part 1: Unethical Adoption Professionals

Erin Keaty-Quick: Hi everyone. Welcome! Today we're going to talk today about something that we hear about constantly and is near and dear to our hearts in terms of why we built PairTree. We're gonna talk about how to keep families safe from scams and from unethical practices. I'm Erin Quick, CEO and Founder of PairTree. And I'm joined today by the lovely Jess Nelson.

Jess Nelson: Thank you! My name is Jess Nelson. I am the community manager here at PairTree, and I'm also a two-time birth mom.

E: And she is also kind of the person that is managing our scam or fraud practices here at PairTree. And so, she's the perfect person to be talking to about this. So today, we're gonna focus on the areas that we hear the most about when we're talking about scams or fraud or unethical practices, so one is going to focus on adoption professionals. Some of the practices that adoption professionals use are horribly unethical and talk about why that matters. And then the other one is the one that's why most people think about scams. And those are people that are posing as expectant moms and our birth moms to get time, money or attention out of adopting families. So let's start with adoption professionals.

Red Flags in the Adoption Industry

E: Jess, run us through the list.  What are the major red flags to look for in terms of unethical practices when it comes to adoption professionals?

J: Great question. And truthfully, one of my favorite things to talk about. Probably the biggest red flag that I look for as a birth moment as an adoption professional is flying expectant moms to a different state to deliver. Oftentimes, it's to a more adoption friendly state meaning they have better laws that favor adopting families as opposed to birth parents, meaning she can sign her relinquishment papers faster often in 24 hours and they can finalize the adoption quicker.

J: And you'll see these agencies that advertise things like birth parent, housing, and it on paper or on a website, it sounds like such a great thing, like this agency offers birth parent, housing, that's amazing, but It's often times a terrible apartment, a house with 20, women in it and four bedrooms and two bathrooms.

E: …that housing is removed once they give birth.

J: Exactly about 48 hours after they get birth, they go back to where they came from and that's a coercive tactic to rip these women away from their home and their support system, other kids, and put them in a new place. In housing where they're basically forced to follow through with their adoption plan. Otherwise, they have to take a bus home to wherever they came from.

E: Yeah, and again they're ripped away from their supportive networks in their most vulnerable time. So it's incredibly predatory.

J: Yes.

E: What are some of the things that we see in terms of fee structures on the professional side?

J: One of the biggest red flags to look for is if they charge a different fee for different races. There are some agencies that charge more money for a Caucasian baby with no drug or alcohol exposure and they charge a lot less for African American or mixed race babies or babies that have drug or alcohol exposure. And so when you're looking at agencies to work with or if you're working with a consultant or something, an agency, that you might see an opportunity from looking at their fee structure. Because if they're charging different fees for placements based on race or gender, or drug, or alcohol exposure, run the other direction.

E: What about paying expectant moms?

J: Yes, so a lot of adopting families don't know that. Birth parent expenses are one regulated and two, they differ from state to state almost every state has different laws. And so if you're working with an agency, or an attorney, that doesn't have a cap on birth parent expenses or they offer cash or they offer a blank check. That's not only oftentimes illegal, but it's highly unethical because if you're offering a woman who's in a crisis situation, a $10,000 check to make an adoption plan and follow through with it. Chances are she's going to and she's not going to choose adoption for the right reasons. She's going to choose adoption because you're paying her.

E: And the ramifications of that are down the road, she's going to have regret and there's no guarantee that she goes through with that adoption. And so the amount of times that she might change her mind after she's been paid and…

J: Exactly.

E: Or like to be saying once you give birth then you get the money highly illegal. And so, the bigger reason is just from an ethical standpoint. Open adoption is now the norm, and so you and the birth family will work together in service to the child in some capacity. And that's a relationship that will be near and dear to your heart. Speaking for us from the adopting family standpoint, you want that relationship to be completely unbiased and without any kind of strange secrets. When your child is 10 years old and says, "What are the circumstances around my adoption, mom?", you don't want to say your birth mom was in a crisis situation and she received $10,000 to place you with us.

J: Yep.

E: It's just the wrong way to enter an adoption.

J: Exactly. You want to make sure that you're working with professionals that are going to help you write an adoption story that you aren't ashamed to tell one day and that you aren't nervous to answer some of these questions that are going to come up. At least one day.

E: A lot! They're going to come up a lot!

J: Yes.

E: And in order to raise a child that is happy and healthy, you need to be able to answer those questions openly and honestly …

J: Yep.

E: The only way to do that is to make sure that everything about the adoption is completely above board.

J: Because even if you don't answer those questions openly and honestly that kiddo's birth parents whether they know them now or not, they probably will. And that's gonna make for a really uncomfortable conversation.

J: Later on, if you and birth parents are telling a different story.

E: Two more questions. What about recruiting practices? How do certain adoption professionals recruit or incentivized moms like place again or refer a friend?

J: Yes, both of those are common practices and adoption. I worked in a state where there was a known adoption attorney, who kind of had a referral network in place with jail, homeless shelters and drug, and alcohol. Rehabs were basically, if they had a mom who was pregnant, even if she hadn't said anything about adoption, they would call this attorney and he would come talk to them, offer them a $5,000 check. When you're in jail, or in rehab, $5,000 is a lot of money.

E: It's very predatory.

J: It's coercive, it's illegal. It's a common practice and there's agencies across the US that offer referral cards, a $500 visa gift card. If you have a friend who's pregnant and convince them to come and work with this agency or facilitator, or send them to this consultant, there's a bonus. If you are a birth mom and pregnant again and considering adoption...there are agencies that will give you an incentive for coming back and placing again.

E: Yeah, and I think it's worth mentioning because I think any adopting family that listens to us. I remember being in this situation was like "I want a baby," I tunnel vision, and so it's worth some of these practices may put a baby in your home faster. But again, you have to approach adoption with long-term thinking. Because in the short term, there may be a child in your home faster, but if that child is placed in your home under very predatory or coercive circumstances, the chances that Your child will struggle with identity issues down the road are high. In order to be sure that we are helping raise happy and healthy children. We have to make sure that the adoptions are done ethically.

J: Yep.

E: Last one. What about post placement?

J: As a birth mom myself and someone who did not receive post-placement care after my first placement and received it after the second, I think there's nothing more important for expectant moms with the exception of separate legal representation. But we can talk about that another day, but making sure that they have access to post placement support and not post-placement support for the first six months after placement. Because that's not when we need it, we need post-placement support ten years down the road. And so if you're working with an attorney and they don't offer post placement support because it is hard for attorneys to have the ability to offer post-placement support, make sure that they're referring those women or they have a partnership with an organization that provides post placement support. And even if they don't make sure that they are pointing women in a direction to get it. We see so many pitfalls of not having access to post-placement support. And that's another thing that is going to come up one day with your adoptees, they're going to have questions. And if you can answer all of their questions and make sure that you did everything possible to support their birth family, both pre and post placement, you're going to have a healthier relationship with them. They're gonna have a healthier journey, a healthier story, and it's going to be a better relationship and situation for everybody.

E: Thanks. Okay, we're gonna end it for now and we're gonna start Part Two soon to talk about how to avoid fraudulent scams. Specifically, people posing as expectant moms to get time, money and attention out of adopting families. Stay tuned…

Part 2: Adoption Scams

E: And we're back. This is part two of keeping families safe and we talked about professionals and some of the unethical practices that we see with professionals in the first part. And now we're gonna switch over to talking about some of the kind of red flags that we see when dealing with people posing as expectant moms to get time money or attention out of adopting families. And I think it's worth noting that I think a lot of people that haven't been through this, they like, is that person after money and the kind of sad part is that many times, these are not financial scans. The most pathetic part of this is that they're after attention.

J: The most notorious adoption scammer Gabby who's been on CNN and Dr. Phil and had so many articles written about her. She has never asked for a cent. She wants time and attention and conversations and emotional attachment, never money.

E: And it is kind of an anecdotal story because I want to tell families that if this does happen to you please don't let this end your journey. I considered myself as no one could ever scam me. I would be able to pick up on that, no time and I fully got scammed for the greater part of a month. In fact, we bought plane tickets to go to Arizona to meet her and she was gonna follow through with it. And so it happens. Some scammers are very sophisticated.

J: What?

E: There's a really famous social media couple that just posted there and what happened to them on YouTube, and it was pretty sophisticated.

J: I've seen a lot of adoption scams and that was the most intricate bought out planned premeditated scam I think I've seen.

E: Yeah. If it happens to you, please don't let this deflate your hope, and we are here today to kind of walk you through some of those red flags so that at least you're aware of what happens. So Jess, why don't you start us out? We can ping pong back and forth between some of the major ones that we see.

J: Yeah. There is a chance this is real, but if an expectant mom reaches out to you and says that she's expecting twins, especially identical twins. That's a big red flag. That's a big reason to pump the brakes a little bit, pause, do some more investigating. Because twins are not that common, especially identical twins. And so the odds of an expectant mom being pregnant with twins and wanting to place them for adoption, not impossible. Not unheard of, but very uncommon.

E: Yeah, and especially if she comes around the game says, I'm pregnant with twins. Do you want to adopt them like it's not 100% not authentic. The other one that we hear that when expecting mom's contact with adopting families, right out the gate, they'll use very extreme circumstances and so it's "I've been abused, my partner is in jail, I've done some drugs."

J: And telling you that all up front all at once. As a birth mom myself, I have gone through these awkward first conversations twice and there were some less than ideal circumstances around my pregnancies.

J: That was not the first information that I volunteered up. That was my way into getting to know them. And Way further down the line in our relationship. And so when you open up that message in its Just all circumstances and crises. that's,

E: That's another one and typically what we see is they're trying to qualify you to see this. This is sad and mean and cruel but they're trying to see how desperate is this family? How are far will they go?

J: How far? Exactly.

E: Yeah, but it means okay, how do we investigate this to make sure that that is it?

J: Yes.

E: Or is it not okay?

J: and to kind of tie this back to Part One and where some professionals find expectant moms. If you're working with a professional and you're consistently seeing opportunities from professionals where expectant moms are in drug and rehab and all of these extreme circumstances, that's a red flag for the professional that you're working with. Because it means that they're probably doing some not great things to find these expectant moms and get them to make an adoption plan.

E: That's predatory practices like homeless shelters, drug, rehab facilities.

J: Mhm, jail.

E: Yeah. So That's a great point to make. One of the other things that we see is like, she sent pictures, I saw her ultrasound or she sent a letter saying that she had her pregnancy verified.

J: You can go to fake Ultrasoundpictures.com and for $14.99 buy an ultrasound picture with your information, put into it. You can literally buy anything on the Internet or find anything on the Internet. And so just because someone has an ultrasound photo with their name on it or a letter from even a doctor's office, those things are very easy to forge. And so, that's why, you want to make sure that you are working with an ethical professional that can put eyes on an expectant mom and make sure that she is actually, unexpected mom and is who sees who she says she is.

E: Yeah, and that's another point too. So what about meetings? What if she is willing to meet with you either on FaceTime or willing to meet with you in person? Again, that doesn't guarantee that it's not a scam but obviously in an expectant mom, her belly is going to be some kind of an indicator at some point.

J: Right.

E: Yes There are fake baby bumps that can be bought but at a certain point it'll become painfully obvious.

J: There are. And an expectant mom that is truly pregnant, and truly considering you as an adopting family, is going to show up. She might miss a doctor's appointment, she might have two screaming kiddos in the background. She has to reschedule a FaceTime call but she's going to reschedule. She's going to keep that line of communication open, if not with you, then with your professional or someone that she feels comfortable with. And the other thing that we see a bit when it comes to scams and people pretending to be expectant moms is When you're talking with them and you say, yes, we want to move forward. Can we put you in touch with our social worker or our attorney? And they say, I have a friend who's an attorney or

J: I know an attorney, unless it's an adoption professional that they have already contacted and worked with. if they just say, I have a friend who's That's a big red flag that they're not legit.

E: Yeah, and then I think the other two that are pretty obvious are if she asks you for any money, and paying for birth mother expenses or expecting parents. Expenses are pretty normal in this process. But obviously, you as an adopting family, it's illegal to be communicating with an exception of birth family around expenses.

J: Uh-huh.

E: And so if money is brought up and that is a really wonderful time. Our gateway is to be introducing them to an adoption attorney and our agency that you're working with. And of course we can always recommend when because that is you as the adopting family,…

J: Yep.

E: You never want to be in a position where you're talking about money with an expecting mother.

J: Exactly.

E: And the last one, I think that we see too is if you're chosen right away. So if she's earlier on in the pregnancy and you're chosen right away, we know how good that feels as an adopting family, but it can also be a red flag. And by chosen right away, I mean, within a week you're perfect. The least likely it is to actually happen. It's more about the kind of setting, expectations for yourself around that. if it is a scam then,

E: And they pick you with choosing somebody right away, is a pretty clear indicator, These are all the red flags.

E: Jess, talk us through what PairTree does to help mitigate some of these.

J: We do so much to not only protect expectant moms and make sure that who they say they are. But we do so much to protect our adopting families. Even though we're tech-enabled, we're still human powered. So we've utilized technology to create four markers that we track for expectant moms. We track their location. Make sure that their IP address matches where they say they are. And in states, where we know There's kind of a hotbed of scam activity, like Georgia. That's where Gabby is from. So anytime an expectant mom in Georgia creates an account, she can't message any families until we get in touch with her and make sure that she is who she says she is. And we also monitor their content pattern.

J: We check to see What types of messages they're sending.

E: It's worth saying we've had so many expectant moms register on PairTree. Now that they're very clear patterns that we see between legitimate expectant moms that are actually looking to connect and explore adopting families and connect with adopting families versus scam. And so,…

J: Yes.

E: When jessa's content patterns, like, if an prospective mom is cutting and pasting multiple messages to multiple families, it's a clear red flag to us because we have never seen a legitimate mom do that.

J: No, no not at all. And so we have technology in place to help us monitor the number of families that she messages. If an expectant mom is messaging 10 families, that's a red flag. Messaging three, four, five, that's pretty normal.

J: Because obviously, we want expectant moms to have choice and control, and power over their own process and we want them to have options. But messaging, 10, 15 families, right off the bat. That's a big red flag. And so, we have systems in place that have been expectant. Mom sends a certain number of messages in a certain period of time. We disabled her account until we can get in touch with her, see if she is, For some odd reason, messaging 10 families at the same time.

E: We're doing all this work behind the scenes, too. So I think the platform itself is an expected mom. Flags one of the markers. We like Jess said, look into her right away and we let the adopting family Hey, she'll slide to marker if she flags to we deactivate her account. Not because again,…

J: Yep.

E: Some of these women are in different circumstances than anyone has ever been in. And so we don't want to deactivate your account right away, if she flags one. But what we do is we want to let adopting families know as soon as possible to help orient their own expectations, so it does not mean she's a scammer, but it does mean that we're looking into her and we'll let you know, and then the other thing I like to offer up to families is

J: Yes.

E: So as an adoption enablement platform, we work with adoption professionals from around the country. That if you're talking to an expectant mom and she's passing all of the kinds of standards on the PairTree platform, and you want someone to go meet with her in person. There's a number of partners that we have across the country that we can introduce to who can go and meet with her in person.

J: Yes.

E: I'll give you kind of that piece of mind if you aren't able to fly out with your own adoption professional. So there's a lot of different ways to do this and I will say that the woman that we're talking to right now Jess. She is the head investigator, and a lot of our PairTree families rely on her to say, "Hey, I got this message. What do you think about this? Is the same fishy to you?" And so we always encourage our families to reach out. It's the collective group of us that is gonna make adoption safer. And for any adoption professionals that are listening to this too. We're all

E: When we deactivate accounts, we're happy to share IP addresses of those band accounts with any adoption professional.

J: Yes.

E: If they're interested in it to also keep their families safer regardless of whether or not their PairTree, but the goal is collectively together, we can make adoption safer. Reach out to us with any questions at hello@pairtreefamily.com. This is Erin and Jess signing off.