How to Avoid Unethical Practices in Adoption

Transcript of "How to Avoid Unethical Practices in Adoption"

Erin Quick: Hey, Jess, how are you?

Jess Nelson: I’m great. How are you?

E: Awesome. Thanks for joining us today again. Take two.

J: Thanks for having me. Absolutely.

E: Yeah. I think for our community, for people that don’t know Jess Nelson, I’ll let her introduce herself in just a second and I’ll do a quick intro on PairTree. And then, we have a really fun episode today talking about ethics and unethical practices in adoption that adopting families have a lot of control over. And so, we’ll talk through some of the icky stuff that happens in adoption today. And then, with the goal of hopefully opening the eyes of some people, to some of the practices that may be a little bit blurry in terms of, is it, is it not? And with the ultimate goal of just elevating the overall ethics in the industry. So, for those that don’t know me, I’m Erin and I’m the CEO and co-founder of PairTree, and we’re a connection platform that connects expectant moms and adopting families. And Jess Nelson, she works at On Point Legal. I’ll let you introduce yourself, Jess. Go ahead.

J: Thanks, Erin. Like Erin said, my name is Jess Nelson. I work at On Point Legal, a private law firm in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where I am our paralegal and adoption assistant and marketing coordinator and birth mom advocate. I’m also a birth mom myself. So, I’m a birth mom and a full-time adoption professional.

E: Yeah. And that’s why I think we love to hear Jess’s perspective because she comes at it from a lot of different perspectives. And so, I think to start, I had the chance to talk to Jess a couple of weeks ago and she was blowing me away with some of her stories. And so, I think maybe if you want to dive in there at maybe a couple of the examples of the practices that you’ve seen in terms of what happens with jails and rehabs.

J: Yeah. Absolutely. So, there is another attorney in Louisiana who is notorious for working with jails and rehab facilities within the state. And he offers expectant moms, just a $5,000 check, which is illegal in the State of Louisiana. There can be no just blank check written. Expectant mom expenses in the state are very highly regulated now. It can be living expenses, medical expenses, rent, utilities, phone bill, things like that. But he is offering women that are either incarcerated or in a rehab facility, just plain cash money to place their children for adoption, which is incredibly unethical and unfortunately, a really common practice, not only in the Louisiana, but across the US.

J: There’s a facilitator in California that offers women incentives to place again, a $500 Visa gift card if they place a second time. Or, if they refer a friend to this facilitator, they’ll offer a Visa gift card as a referral bonus, or $1,000 cash check, cash card check, whatever it may be, for making an adoption plan a second time, on top of what she would get in expectant mom expenses. And it’s-

E: It’s terrible.

J: It is.

E: And I think it’s worth pointing out, not just in Louisiana, in all 50 states, it’s pretty highly… elated in terms of what adopting families can pay for. So, when I was starting our adoption process, I mean, I didn’t know any of this existed. And I didn’t even know to ask, “Well, where is this expectant mom coming from?”

J: Right.

E: But are there practices that some of our adopting families, or questions that they can be asking their professionals, to make sure that this isn’t happening even behind their backs, because I don’t think any adopting family would be like, “Great, let’s do that.” I mean, that’s unethical.

J: Right.

E: But if they don’t know, how can they find out?

J: Right, and if those things don’t give them an icky feeling, then they don’t need to be adopting.

E: Right. That’s [crosstalk 00:04:27].

J: Right. So, Ashley Mitchell, of Big Tough Girl, actually has a great list of questions to ask your adoption professional. Things like, “Are expectant parents offered separate representation? What do expectant parent expenses look like? Are they categorized or is it just a set cash amount? What is the consent period? When would an expectant mom sign her active consent?” My favorite is, “Will you ever fly an expectant mom to a different state to deliver a baby?”

E: Talk a little bit about that, because I don’t think people even know about that.

J: So, agencies and consultants will say that they have birth mom housing, and that it’s this great place to stay, expenses are covered. They have free housing and transportation to appointments and the hospital and things like that. But really, it comes down to flying an expectant mom to an adoption-friendly state so that she can sign her active consent in 24 hours, in the hospital, away from all of her friends and family, away from her support system. And then, as soon as she gets discharged from the hospital, that agency puts her on a plane and ships her back to the state where she came from.

J: And so many adoptive parents don’t ask the question of, “Okay, well, that doesn’t seem right.” They say, “Oh, great. My agency offers free birth mom housing. So, we’re all going to go to Utah or Kansas and have this baby, do all the legal paperwork, and then we’re all going to go back our separate ways.” And don’t think anything of it. When in actuality, the only reason that it’s happening in these certain states is because a mom signs her surrender in 24 hours, or the adoption is finalized in two weeks. Things like that, that just make it so unethical and just-

E: Yeah. They really do. It makes it just a breeding ground for unethical practices because it’s just … And until adopting families realize that … For example, when we adopted our daughter, we would get itemized receipts for every expense that we were paying for.

J: Yes. That’s exactly what we do. Our fee affidavit that we submit when we finalize an adoption in Louisiana is two inches thick because we include every single receipt, for everything we’ve paid for, for an expectant mom, for seven to nine months.

E: Yeah. Yeah. So, it becomes really important. And I think until adopting families realize that they really hold the cards in terms of ensuring that these adoptions are ethical. And as bad as you want a child, you want to do it the right way, because-

J: Because you’re the ones that are going to have to answer those questions. At some point, a child is going to learn that their mom lived in Louisiana, my adoptive parents live in Arizona, and I was born in Kansas. At some point, a child is going to ask why and adoptive parents are going to have to answer those questions and sit with that. And if that was me as an adoptive parent, I don’t want to answer that question.

E: No. I can say without a doubt, you want to be able to answer that directly and honestly, without any hesitation, because you owe it to everyone involved in the process.

J: Right.

E: Yeah. I think that’s really important. So, in addition to questions that people can ask, are there any other practices that adopting families can put into use, to make sure that their adoptions are being ethical or that their adoptions are on a more ethical journey?

J: Ask the questions of your adoption professional. Pay attention to who you’re working with. If you are working with a consultant and a consultant has any contact with your expectant mom or anything like that, that’s illegal. Consultants and facilitators are not allowed to have any contact with an expected mom, they are not licensed child placing agencies. Make sure that an expectant mom has her own attorney before and when she signs her active consent, so that she truly understands the documents that she’s signing.

E: I think that’s excellent feedback too, just right there. I think one of the last questions that we have to go over today, and this is a real tough one, and it speaks to that. I mean, I remember it. I know how badly some of these families want to start a family and that adoption is the path that they’re on. And so, they’re maybe like, “Well, if I don’t ask, maybe we’ll get a child faster.” But again, to our point earlier, that you need to ask those questions, you need to ask the tough questions because you’re going to need to be able to answer honestly for the rest of your life.

J: Right.

E: But the second part of that, is that desire and longing to build a family is so all consuming that when a situation comes up, how do you handle the, for families, “Well, I’ve been waiting the longest, how come I’m not getting to be put in front of that expectant mom?”

J: Because you don’t get a baby just because you’ve been waiting longer. The power and the choice in who an expectant mom places her child with is 1000% with her. We show an expectant mom profile books or introduce her to families based on her needs and wants, and what a hopeful adoptive family feels they are equipped to walk into. And so, I don’t care how many times your profile book has been seen or how many times you’ve been presented to an expectant mom, if you’re not getting picked, you’re not getting picked. I would love to help some of our families that have been on a waiting list for two years, mostly due to the constricted adoption-

E: Preferences.

J: Yeah. The preferences that they have.

E: And that means, they’re being specific about gender or race or something like that.

J: Yes.

E: Or they want an expectant mom that hasn’t been exposed to any drug use or anything like that? Okay.

J: Yes. And this is just being honest, in the South, a family that is only open to a Caucasian boy with no drug or alcohol exposure. First of all, you need to sit with why are you really adopting? But second, I would love to help some of our families that have been waiting longer, but I’m not going to take any of that control away or any of that power from an expectant mom. She is the one that is making the decision to place her child for adoption. And I would never, and I don’t think agencies ever should, or attorneys ever should, persuade an expectant mom to place with one family over the other. And so, if a family that’s been waiting longer doesn’t get picked as opposed to a family that has only been waiting for 30 days, then that’s who an expectant mom connected with.

E: And I wonder too, if that can be turned around a little bit for the adopting family too … That I think for us, I’m so happy we were picked by the birth families that we were picked by, because you are connected for the rest of your life.

J: Right.

E: And so, you want to make sure that the expectant moms or the birth families that are picking you, are picking you, not because you’ve been waiting the longest.

J: Right. Exactly.

E: Because you will have a relationship forever.

J: Right.

E: And you want to make sure that there’s a level of compatibility there, that you’re being pitched for the right reasons, versus just because you’ve been waiting the longest. But I do, I can recognize that the wait is impossible. There’s no way of making it not impossible. And so, I definitely feel for all those families.

J: I know. Because, before I’ll show an expectant mom, families profile books or profiles, I’ll reach out to them and make sure, because if I haven’t talked to them in 30 days, I want to reach out and make sure that nothing has changed, they don’t need to press pause, that they’re still open and willing and able. But man, when I have to make that call after and tell those families that an expectant mom didn’t select them, I hate it.

E: Yeah. I bet. That has to be the worst part of the job, for sure.

J: Second worst part. The first worst part is … And I say it’s the worst part, as a birth mom it’s so empowering, but as an adoption professional, it’s the phone call that I hate to make is when an adoption gets disrupted and a mom decides to parent and I have to call the hopeful adoptive parents and let them know.

E: Yeah. That’s, I don’t know, sweet and sour is not the right word, but it’s great for the-

J: It is. It is.

E: Yeah. Yeah. But again, I think that’s also speaks to the compatibility nature of it. If we can be making more compatible matches on the front end, that maybe there’s less disruptions on the backend. So, we’ll see.

J: I agree.

E: Jess, I always love talking to you.

J: Me too. And we kept it at the right time today.

E: Yes. You’re a wealth of information and so, I hope we get to do this again soon.

J: Let me know when.

E: Thanks, Jess.

PairTree was founded on the belief that the adoption process can be better. It is a private self-matching platform that increases and accelerates opportunity for adoptions throughout the United States.

Questions or comments? Contact us at hello@pairtreefamily.com.