A Guide to Navigating Adoption with Multiple Birth Families

...not bad, but hard. It requires acknowledging pain and joy – simultaneously, forever. It requires staying calm in the face of dynamic and ever-changing relationships rife with human variables including highly-charged emotions, expectations, obligations, disappointment and, of course, love.

And when you have two open adoptions – with unrelated birth families – it introduces yet another human variable: comparisons.

When you have a close connection with one family and not so much with the other, how do you navigate that path? How do you communicate the differences in the relationships to your children?

Let’s take a look at some real-life examples to consider:

Holidays: Imagine your kids are eight and ten years old. The eight-year-old's birth family sends a holiday gift to their child, but your ten-year-old's birth family doesn't. 

Birthdays: Suppose the eight-year-old's birth family wants to FaceTime on their child’s birthday, but your ten-year-old's birth family has never asked to FaceTime on their birthday.

Visits: Suppose the eight-year-old's birth family comes to visit, but your ten-year-old's birth family has never (and most likely will never) visited.

As a two-time adoptive mom, these are situations I’ve experienced. My heart breaks a little for my child who doesn’t have contact with his birth family because I’m fearful he’ll somehow translate that to feeling less loved by his birth family when I know that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Three Tips for Discussing Their Birth Family with Your Adopted Child

After meeting with a social worker countless times to discuss, here are my top three tips for how to handle these types of situations.

Honesty is Key

Always be honest with your child. Empathize with any disappointment they are feeling while explaining that birth families can have varying levels of involvement and different ways of showing love at different times throughout their lives. Birth families can love silently from afar, but it doesn’t mean their love is less than.

One of my most favorite books to help explain this is The Invisible String, which offers children a tangible understanding of love using a metaphor around an invisible string that “even though you can't see it with your eyes, you can feel it in your heart and know that you are always connected to everyone you love.” (Sidenote, this is also a great book for any kiddos that are going to daycare or school for the first time.)

Contact ≠ Love

Emphasize that differences in how each birth family interacts are not reflections of your child's worth or love. Emphasize that the absence of a gift doesn't reflect the love and care your child's birth family has for them.

Encourage Empathy

Always use an empathetic tone and attitude when talking about your child’s birth family and the circumstances around the adoption. One thing I repeat to my own children is this:

Talking about the birth families with admiration and empathy, from the earliest days possible, will help your children navigate the complexities around their birth story with more compassion and understanding.

Note: The adoption book, Growing Grace, was recommended to me by a two-time birth mother (and incredible human being). It’s written from the perspective of a birth mother who is searching for the right family to place her child. It does a wonderful job of articulating how the decision to place is both incredibly painful and filled with love. Warning: You won’t get through it without crying.

The Role Of An Adopting Parent

I can’t type this loud enough: What you do matters. Your tone and attitude toward the birth family will set the stage for the child’s relationship with their birth family, so pay close attention to what you say and how you say it. You are their guide until they can start to guide themselves.

Your role in an open adoption is to create an environment where the child feels secure, loved, and supported in their exploration of their identity and their connection to both their adoptive and birth families. It requires empathy, understanding, and a commitment to putting the child's best interests at the forefront of all decisions and actions.

You are the anchor that will help your child navigate the complex waters that most likely surround their placement for adoption.

Highlight Unconditional Love

Start by explaining that love is a powerful and enduring emotion. Assure your child that their birth family's love remains constant, whether or not they have regular contact.

All People have Different Ways of Expressing Love

Share that people have unique ways of showing love. Some families may choose to stay in touch, while others may have different methods of demonstrating their affection. It's important to express that love can be felt, even if it's not always visible.

Individual Family Choices

Every family is different, and they make decisions based on their circumstances and experiences. Let your child know that it's natural for different families to choose varying levels of contact, and this doesn't diminish the love their birth family holds for them.

Support Reconnection

Encourage your child to understand that their birth family's feelings for them haven't changed. Explain that their birth family may decide to reconnect in the future, and they should be open to the possibility if it ever happens.

Emphasize Your Love

Reinforce your love as their adoptive parent. Let them know that your love for them is just as deep and unwavering as any other form of love they may experience. And that your love will always be with them – even if they decide to pursue, find, or explore relationships with their birth family.

Normalize Differences

Make it clear that every family's dynamics are unique. Just like how siblings within the same family can have varying relationships, their relationships with their birth families may differ, and that's perfectly normal.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Encourage open and honest conversations. Let your child feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, questions, or concerns about their birth family and their own emotions. Create a safe space where they can explore their feelings and understand the complex aspects of adoption.

Be Patient

Recognize that processing these emotions may take time. Be patient and understanding as your child navigates their feelings and the differences in contact with their birth family compared to their sibling's experience.

Adopting from different birth families adds complexity, but by approaching it with honesty, empathy, and a celebration of differences, you can help your children embrace their unique adoption stories and all the love that surrounds them.