Celebrating Birthdays as an Adoptee

Growing up as an adoptee always brought conflicting emotions of my birthday. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be ecstatic on my birthday, like all my peers were. I mean, it was the one day of the year all about me.

What’s not to be happy about? Being an adoptee that struggled with a lot of questions filled with hurt and sadness, that’s what.

“Is my biological mother thinking about me today? Does she even realize today is my birthday? If she does, does she remember how old I’m turning? Will I ever see her again? What about my biological father? Does he know I exist? If so, does he know today is my birthday? Does he care?”

These are just a few of the questions I struggled with on my birthday each year, but I kept them to myself. I just wanted to be happy and be grateful, like society told me I needed to be. I had a great life with great adoptive parents. Why couldn’t I just stop asking the hard and painful questions and be happy??

I heard this phrase recently and it hit spot on to so many struggles I had and have as an adoptee. Once I could say these hard questions out loud, and be validated by having them, I felt I could experience joy on my birthdays. By naming and saying out loud my questions of sadness and anger, I could tame them from wild beasts into trainable pets. Still there, and still unruly at times, but able to be handled.

Getting answers to these questions, too, helped the sadness on my birthday change from a deafening roar to a background hum. I found my biological father a little over a year ago (stay tuned for a blog post here all about that) and I wept when I got my first birthday card in the mail from him. “You have brought a special new joy to my life,” it read. It also held pictures of my birth dad and his mom when he was a kid, something that is so special to me as an adoptee it’s hard to put into words. He had no idea I existed, and so he didn’t think about me on my birthdays growing up. But that fact makes his involvement in them now mean that much more.

When babies are born, they are put immediately on their mother’s chest. Adoption is the opposite of that, yanking that child from the voice and movements they have gotten to know for months in the womb and putting them in a stranger’s arm. Our bodies hold onto that abandonment and separation, even if we can’t logically remember it. And then there is the possibility of in utero trauma for many adoptees; the day of our births can bring on a whole set of physical complications, such as substance withdrawals that again, our body keeps the score of.

So, what are adoptive parents to do? How can they best support adoptees having a hard time on their birthdays?

1. Name it to tame it.

Help adoptees put feelings into words. “I noticed you seem a little sad today. I know it might be a day as you’re growing up that you feel a lot of conflicting emotions on, and that’s okay. I am here in whatever way you need me to be. Would a hug help?” These are just a few examples, but acknowledging that it might be a hard day for us sets the tone that you are a safe space for us to unload the hard feelings we might be wrestling with.

2. Give us as much information as you have, in age appropriate ways.

I can help you do this through my adoption coaching services at mercyandhealing.com. But for me, not knowing was worse than knowing the hard information. And knowing meant I had less questions to wrestle with. Finding my birth dad has answered so many questions for me, and I have a peace I never have had before.

3. Allow us to celebrate how we need to that year.

This may change from year to year. Some years we may want a big party, and some years we may want to just ignore it. But let us decide, and fully support whatever we decide.

4. Make us feel so special.

My birthday reminds me of my primal wound, and the devil loves to add salt to that by reminding me of how I was subconsciously told I was unwanted by being placed in foster care. My husband has gotten so good over the years of making my birthday a special day, because he knows how I need the love and admiration that day to overpower the devil’s lies about me.

5. Include birth family on birthdays.

My half-sister’s (we shared a mom but had different dads) biological father’s family included me even though I wasn’t blood, in celebrations. They would send me cards and presents on my birthdays, and these were the most meaningful gifts every year. Now, when my own biological father sends cards or gifts, I tear up every single time. To not only have an adoptive family that loves me and sends me birthday cards and gifts, but also to now have attachment to my biological history on my birthday, makes me so, so happy.

Although birthdays now hold a lot more joy than they did growing up, being in reunion with my biological family and healing from my primal wound, I still have some dread as the day approaches. My birthday is a reminder of the initial abandonment I went through, being separated by my roots, my biological family. But my loved ones can help show and speak truths to help combat the hurt of that rejection, by doing all of the things I listed above.

To learn more about April, or to book a session with her, visit https://mercyandhealing.com/.