Top Three Questions Answered for Hopeful Adoptive Dads

Being totally honest with myself, before we adopted our son 8+ years ago, I was in the “nah - we’ll eventually be able to get pregnant” camp, thinking that modern medicine and science would solve the fertility mystery for us. It sure seemed like this combination of science and technology had solved other “medical” issues we face, so why not getting (and staying) pregnant?

But now 8+ years into being a dad of two amazing adopted children, I can’t really imagine life any differently - I love my kids, I love my wife, I love my life, and know I am extremely fortunate….and I hope other couples looking to adopt can find that same joy through adoption that I have.

Now that’s all not to say there haven’t been confusing, trying, frustrating times throughout the process, but with the right approach, attitude, and knowledge, adoption is unlike anything else a man can experience in his life.

So here’s my top three adoptive dad topics to help other dad’s prepare for the journey.

A Hopeful Adoptive Dad's Top Three Questions

1. Will this feel like I’m raising someone else’s child?

This is a tough question to answer, as honestly I don’t know what it “feels” like to raise a biologically born child of mine, but as cliche as it may sound, my two children are my children...it is often weeks or months between me thinking, or consciously remembering, that my DNA isn’t “in” them.

Do I still wonder what my wife and I would “make” through pregnancy - sure, that seems like some biologically-driven reaction that pops into my head from time to time, but honestly it doesn’t impact my love and dedication to my own children.

I love these kids no less because of our unique birth story...and from seeing my friends raise their biologically born children, I can’t really see a difference outwardly as to the level of connection and love for their kids between them and me.

The one caveat is that I do continually think about the amazing bond and commitment that I made to the birth parents when we adopted our children.

They entrusted me (and my wife) to raise these children in a way that aligned with their beliefs, and provide a life for our children that the birth parents wanted for each child. I do think of the birth parents and this commitment often as a dad.

2. What role should I play in connecting with an expectant mother, and possibly father?

The answer to this, of course, will depend on each adoptive dad, your personality type, and frankly the expectant mom or parents.

In my experience, to make a meaningful connection, it requires both adoptive parents to be fully on board and participate. Traditionally much of the “connecting” can fall to the adoptive mom and expectant mom - which was the case for us as well. I think this is natural as women have a more innate way to connect on the commonalities of motherhood.

Am I suggesting that you as the adoptive dad take the lead in the process? Maybe - if that works for you and your spouse’s relationship, or maybe it means reaching out to the expectant parents via text, or email throughout the process, or when in-person meetings happen don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and show how important becoming a parent is for you!

I found that while the fear of rejection can cause us as adoptive dads to hold back on showing emotions (a traditionally “male” behavior), it’s that exact sharing of your excitement that can really make a special connection that expectant moms and dads are seeking when deciding on placement of their child.

Always be true to yourself, but don’t hold back because you think you shouldn’t show a passion for parenthood!

3. After the adoption, should I keep in touch with the birth parents?

I vote yes!

Again, depending on the preference of the birth parents, this line of communication most often falls to the adoptive mom and the birth mom, however it can be unique to each relationship.

In our case, I am actually the prime sender of updates on our children’s lives to both of their birth parents (two separate couples). Our son’s birth mom and I email once or twice a year and she is amazingly appreciative for the updates (and vice versa), and we are in weekly contact with our daughter’s birth parents, sharing photos and updates back and forth in what is becoming a beautiful “family” relationship.

My belief is similar to the “before the adoption” process. My participation as a dad, my ongoing excitement as a dad, and my ongoing commitment to the people who brought these amazing kids into our lives can only help the birth parents (and me!). But I’m not faking it either, I really do like to share updates about the kids with their respective birth families. I’m proud of the way we are raising our children and want to share that pride with them.

I recognize not every adoptive relationship will be like ours, so you have to navigate your own situation carefully, however recognize that the relationship you have with the birth families on day one leaving the hospital with an infant (in our case) will most certainly evolve over the days, weeks, and years.

I believe it is up to us as adoptive dads on how positive the evolution of your relationship is.

So adoptive dads, those are a few of the initial Q&As I can share, and I welcome your additional questions at hello@pairtree.com!