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Being totally honest with myself, before we adopted our son 8+ years ago, I was in the “nah - we’ll eventually be able to get pregnant” camp, thinking that modern medicine and science would solve the fertility mystery for us. It sure seemed like this combination of science and technology had solved other “medical” issues we face, so why not getting (and staying) pregnant?

While saying from early on in our marriage that adoption was a possibility for us, I can’t say that I thought adopting a baby would be our only route to building the family we so wanted.

But now 8+ years into being a dad of two amazing adopted children, I can’t really imagine life any differently - I love my kids, I love my wife, I love my life, and know I am extremely fortunate….and I hope other couples looking to adopt can find that same joy through adoption that I have.

Now that’s all not to say there haven’t been confusing, trying, frustrating times throughout the process, but with the right approach, attitude, and knowledge, adoption is unlike anything else a man can experience in his life. 

 topics to help other dad’s prepare for the journey.

A Hopeful Adoptive Dad's Top Three Questions 

1. Will this feel like I’m raising someone else’s child?

This is a tough question to answer, as honestly I don’t know what it “feels” like to raise a biologically born child of mine, but as cliche as it may sound, my two children are my children...it is often weeks or months between me thinking, or consciously remembering, that my DNA isn’t “in” them. 

Do I still wonder what my wife and I would “make” through pregnancy - sure, that seems like some biologically-driven reaction that pops into my head from time to time, but honestly it doesn’t impact my love and dedication to my own children.

I love these kids no less because of our unique birth story...and from seeing my friends raise their biologically born children, I can’t really see a difference outwardly as to the level of connection and love for their kids between them and me.

The one caveat is that I do continually think about the amazing bond and commitment that I made to the birth parents when we adopted our children. 

They entrusted me (and my wife) to raise these children in a way that aligned with their beliefs, and provide a life for our children that the birth parents wanted for each child. 

I do think of the birth parents and this commitment often as a dad.

2. What role should I play in connecting with an expectant mother, and possibly father?

The answer to this, of course, will depend on each adoptive dad, your personality type, and frankly the expectant mom or parents. 

In my experience, to make a meaningful connection, it requires both adoptive parents to be fully on board and participate. Traditionally much of the “connecting” can fall to the adoptive mom and expectant mom - which was the case for us as well. I think this is natural as women have a more innate way to connect on the commonalities of motherhood. 

However, being an active participant and vocal supporter of the adoption can only help build the trust and communication needed for a successful adoption.

Am I suggesting that you as the adoptive dad take the lead in the process? Maybe - if that works for you and your spouse’s relationship, or maybe it means reaching out to the expectant parents via text, or email throughout the process, or when in-person meetings happen don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and show how important becoming a parent is for you! 

I found that while the fear of rejection can cause us as adoptive dads to hold back on showing emotions (a traditionally “male” behavior), it’s that exact sharing of your excitement that can really make a special connection that expectant moms and dads are seeking when deciding on placement of their child.

Always be true to yourself, but don’t hold back because you think you shouldn’t show a passion for parenthood!

3. After the adoption, should I keep in touch with the birth parents?

Again, depending on the preference of the birth parents, this line of communication most often falls to the adoptive mom and the birth mom, however it can be unique to each relationship. 

In our case, I am actually the prime sender of updates on our children’s lives to both of their birth parents (two separate couples). Our son’s birth mom and I email once or twice a year and she is amazingly appreciative for the updates (and vice versa), and we are in weekly contact with our daughter’s birth parents, sharing photos and updates back and forth in what is becoming a beautiful “family” relationship.

My belief is similar to the “before the adoption” process. My participation as a dad, my ongoing excitement as a dad, and my ongoing commitment to the people who brought these amazing kids into our lives can only help the birth parents (and me!). But I’m not faking it either, I really do like to share updates about the kids with their respective birth families. I’m proud of the way we are raising our children and want to share that pride with them. 

The birth parents deserve to own that pride too.

I recognize not every adoptive relationship will be like ours, so you have to navigate your own situation carefully, however recognize that the relationship you have with the birth families on day one leaving the hospital with an infant (in our case) will most certainly evolve over the days, weeks, and years. 

I believe it is up to us as adoptive dads on how positive the evolution of your relationship is.

So adoptive dads, those are a few of the initial Q&As I can share, and I welcome your additional questions at 

With Father’s Day this month, it’s a natural time to dig into some of the top questions (and hopefully answers) that adoptive dads may have!

Adoptive dad Jaime answers common questions he had about the adoption process as a whole, the role of the adoptive dad before, during and after the adoption takes place, and how best to be involved.

The Adoption Guide for Hopeful Adoptive Dads 

Adoption & Family Building Glossary of Terms

The world of adoption has evolved greatly over its history, and the terminology is changing significantly with it.

For those new to adoption and family-building, we invite you to familiarize yourself with the language used…you’ll start hearing many of these terms a lot throughout your adoption journey!

A person who joins a family via adoption.

An organization that is licensed to prepare families to adopt children and to do all the necessary legal, administrative and social work to ensure that adoptions are efficiently handled and are in the best interests of the children.

Federally funded state administered subsidy program for special needs children who might otherwise remain in long term foster care.

In an adoption scam, a woman will reach out to an adoptive family or adoption professional with no proof of pregnancy, with false proof of pregnancy or with no intention of actually making an adoption plan and will request emotional and financial support.

To learn more about adoption scams, red flags to look out for and how to safely connect, check out 

Lessons Learned: What One Adoption Scam Can Teach Us All

A licensed agency or individual who is State certified to assist birth parents and adoptive parents with the placement of a child in an Independent Adoption.

A person or persons who are in the legal process of adopting an infant or child.

A person or persons who become the permanent parents with all the social, legal rights and responsibilities incumbent upon any parent.

Active support, defense, arguing for a cause, idea, or policy. As a prospective adoptive parent, you are encouraged to become your own advocate as you are navigating your way through the adoption process, acquiring the skills and knowledge to be an active participant in moving the process along. These advocacy skills will continue to be valuable after placement, to ensure that the adopted child receives needed services, such as medical care and appropriate educational placement.

A legal document in which the party who makes it swears that the information contained in the document is true and correct to the best of his or her knowledge.

Adoption is facilitated by a State Licensed Agency that provides counseling to birthparents, home studies to prospective adoptive parents, relinquishment services and post-placement programs for triad members. These Agencies may also provide Intercountry and Special Needs adoption services.

Benefits to employees who are adopting a child or children, offered by some employers. They may include adoption information and referral services, paid or unpaid leave time, and/or financial reimbursement.

Your employer doesn’t currently provide adoption benefits? PairTree will contact your HR department for you. Fill out our 

An adoption certificate may also be called an adoption decree. A legal document issued by the court upon finalization of an adoption that certifies a child has been adopted, the adoption has been finalized, and the adoptee is the legal child of the adoptive parents.

The triad consists of three parts: birth parents, adoptive parents, and the adopted child. The symbol is represented in three different parts, with each coming together to intertwine a triangle with a heart. Each part of the triad is a corner of the triangle with the adopted child at the very top. 

Often referred to as the adoption constellation to encompass everyone that participates in the adoption process - social worker, agency, attorney, birth family, adoptive family, etc.

Apgar scores or Apgars are the results of a series of brief tests given to newborn infants. Five areas are tested, with two points given in each area. For an infant in good condition, the highest possible score is ten. The areas tested are heart rate, respiration, muscle tone, reflexes and color. Scores are generally taken at one minute and five minutes after birth.

A family approved to adopt is one that has completed the home study process and for whom the home study document has been written or updated, signed, and dated within the past year (or other period specified by the state in which the family lives).

Refers to a child who is currently in need of an adoptive family and ready to begin the adoption process as soon as a family is located. Many in the adoption community prefer the more positive terms "ready for adoption" or "child in need of a family." This term is most often used in the foster care community.

In the adoption community, the term biological is often used to describe a genetic relationship between individuals. Since all people are actually "biological," many prefer to use other words to describe these relations, such as "birth children" or "children who were born to you" instead of "your biological children."

The document issued after a child has been adopted reflecting the adoptive parents as the child's parents.

A certified document, usually obtained only through a government agency, which indicates the birth information of a person including mother's and father's name and the name given to the child at the time of birth, as well as the date and place of birth.

Learn more about the fight for access to 

The biological father of a child, as opposed to an adoptive father. In the adoption process, a birth father must relinquish his parental rights, although the legal process varies by state.

The biological mother of a child, as opposed to an adoptive mother. In the adoption process, a birth mother has made an adoption plan and subsequently relinquished the child for adoption.

 for expectant moms, birth moms, and adoptive parents who would like to understand more about the birth mother’s experience.

An individual's relatives by birth, as opposed to relatives in the family that adopted that individual. Birth families include extended families as well as birth parents and siblings.

The order in which children in a family were born. Each child has a place in the birth order (first child, youngest daughter, etc.) and adopting a child or children may change that order.

A closed adoption is an adoption in which no identifying information about the birth family or the adoptive family is shared, and there is no contact between birth parents and adoptive parents. The adoptive family usually receives non-identifying information about the child and the birth family before placement. In a closed adoption, after finalization, the records are sealed and typically are not available to the adopted child. Was also called traditional adoption in the past

PairTree note: Today, over 90% of all adoptions have some degree of openness. Learn more about 

Child Protective Services. A branch of the Department of Human Services, or other similar governmental department, which has responsibility for ensuring that children are protected from abuse, neglect, and dangerous or unhealthy living conditions. When these conditions exist, or when a birth parent is no longer able to care for a child or children, Child Protective Services is responsible for making an appropriate foster care arrangement and continued follow-up.

A social worker who is responsible for working on a particular client's (family or dependent child's) case (affairs, needs, circumstances, problems, plans, and general well-being, and the records kept on these).

Similar to criminal clearances, this is a method of checking to see if a person has a history of child abuse. This is used as part of the approval process for prospective adoptive parents. In some states there is a central registry where the names of all known child abusers are kept on file. A prospective parent (or employee) must complete a form and submit it to this registry and the registry will send back information indicating that the person is either clear or has a record. These clearances must be updated annually as part of the annual updating of a home study.

In adoption, this usually refers to private information about a child or child's birth family, which is not shared with the general public and may be only partially shared with the adoptive family. Confidential information might include the birth parents last names, addresses, names and addresses of siblings, reasons why the child came into placement, information about physical or sexual abuse, birth parents' history of substance abuse, criminal history, reasons child moved from previous foster or adoptive homes, and in-depth information about the child's disabilities.

Protection of one's personal identifying information, or other information of a personal nature. Adoption agencies may not disclose identifying information about any client to any other source except in special circumstances as described in licensing regulations (such as when there is a child abuse allegation).

Consent to adoption may refer to a legal document signed by the birth parents to give legal intent to their desire for the adoption of their child, or a document issued by the adoption agency allowing the adoptive family to finalize the adoption after all agency and legal requirements have been met.

May also be called an Act of Surrender, Relinquishment or Termination of Parental Rights

An open adoption or cooperative adoption allows for varying degrees of communication between the birth family, adoptees, and adoptive parents. This can range from picture and letter sharing, to phone calls to contact through an intermediary, and open contact between the parties themselves. Many adoptions of older children and teens are at least partially open, since the children may know identifying or contact information about members of their birth families, or may want to stay in touch with siblings placed separately.

A process through which a person can receive assistance in sorting out issues and reaching decisions appropriate to their life circumstances. Counseling for adoption should be done by trained, experienced, adoption counselors. Birth Parent counseling should involve exploration of all options, including parenting the child, kinship adoption, foster care and various types of adoptions, and should be a part of the adoption of any newborn infant.

Similar to child abuse clearances, this is a method of checking through the state police department to determine if a person has a criminal record. The state supplies forms and the clearances must be updated on an annual basis. In adoptions, all adults living in a household must obtain criminal and child abuse clearances prior to a child being placed in that home.

The legal responsibility for the care and maintenance of a child. Custody can be awarded by the court to an agency, such as a department of children and youth services, or to an individual. A department of children and youth services may assign this responsibility to another agency (known as a provider agency) while retaining legal custody of a child. Child welfare departments retain legal custody for children who are in foster care or pre-adoptive homes.

Process in which birth parents choose the individual or couple who will adopt their child and designates the placement of the child while still having the benefits of an agency-assisted adoption.

A disrupted adoption occurs when a child leaves the adoptive home prior to the finalization of the adoption. This can occur in three situations: (1) In a legal risk adoption, usually involving a newborn infant, the birth parents revoke their consent to the adoption, during the time period when this is still possible; (2) The adoptive parents choose not to continue with their plan to parent the child for reasons of their own; or (3) The agency disrupts the adoption if the adoptive parents are not complying with post-placement requirements or are endangering the child in some way.

Similar to disruption, a dissolution is sometimes called a failed adoption 

. In a dissolution a child leaves the adoptive home after the adoption has been finalized. Once it has been finalized, birthparents cannot dissolve an adoption, but adoptive parents or the courts may be able to in extreme circumstances.

An adoption within the same country in which the adoptive parents reside; the adoption of a U.S. child by a family residing in the United States.

Some agencies are authorized to approve a family for both foster parenting and adoption. When an agency provides dual licensing, foster parents and adoptive parents go through the same home study training and background check processes, and in the end receive approval to provide foster and/or adoptive care.

Expectant mother is used to describe a woman who is currently pregnant. She has not given birth yet. When discussing adoption, the term expectant mother is used to describe someone who has not yet decided to place their baby for adoption. An expectant mother is still making decisions regarding the future of her child.

Similar to criminal clearances, this is a method of checking through the Federal Bureau of Investigation to see if a person has a criminal record. In addition to completing an information form, the person must be fingerprinted. There is a fee for FBI clearances, and they must be updated annually. They are not required in every state.

The words we choose convey a lot about the way we think about certain topics or situations.

In adoption, words and language matter. The adoption journey is full of emotions for everyone, and unfortunately, the words and phrases sometimes used in adoption can spur negative feelings or reactions.

The concept of positive adoption language was first introduced in 1979 by a Minneapolis social worker, Marietta Spencer. The purpose of positive adoption language was to correct previously used negative adoption language, and convey respect, dignity, responsibility, and objectivity about the decisions made by expectant parents and adoptive parents during the adoption process.

Positive adoption language encourages the world around us to view adoption not as a last resort, or second-best option, but rather a positive option and decrease the stigma associated with adoption - for all members of the adoption triad.

While we don’t agree with some of the terms shared in our Adoption Glossary, they are still terms that may be used, or terms that may be visible in older information, we include them to make it easier for people to find the information they’re looking for. If it’s a term we don’t agree with, or isn’t a positive adoption language term, we will share that in the definition and what we should use instead.


Sometimes called failed placement, disruption occurs when a child leaves the adoptive home prior to the finalization of the adoption.

Preferred language: Disrupted Placement (Adoption) - A birth family choosing to parent is not a failure.

The Complete Adoption & Family Building Glossary

So What is Second Parent Adoption & Why Is It So Necessary?

Second parent adoption (also called “co-parent adoption”) is the legal process of adopting a partner’s biological or legal child, when a person is not biologically or legally related to the child. While second parent adoption wasn’t designed with LGBTQ+ families in mind, it has been a common practice since the 1990s as a way to secure parentage. This may be the case if the parents used donated sperm or eggs to create their family, or if one partner had children prior to the relationship, either through adoption or biological means. Co-parent adoption can be used to establish a legal relationship in any of these cases.

While this post largely focuses on families created with donor sperm or eggs, it is still important to recognize the legal process of adoption and birth certificate amendment for LGBTQ+ families. 

Once the adoption is finalized, the final Order of Adoption (or Decree of Adoption) will allow for the Vital Records department to amend and issue a new birth certificate - listing you as the parents, and sealing the original birth certificate. Usually, you will be listed as ‘Parent’ and ‘Parent.’ Having a birth certificate with your names on it, as well as an Order of Adoption, means you won't need to complete a Second-Parent Adoption.

After the landmark reversal of Roe v. Wade, rights of LGBTQ+ individuals and families across the US came under attack when Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas stated in his concurring opinion in Dobbs, that the court “should reconsider '' other cases involving the right to privacy, including 2015′s Obergefell v. Hodges decision, which legalized gay marriage. Same sex couples across the country 

The question on everyone’s mind became - how do I protect my family?

If you are an LGBTQ+ couple that used, or is using, donor sperm or eggs to grow your family, at some point you may have to amend your child’s birth certificate for both of you to be listed. Most states have amended their outdated laws to account for married same-sex couples to both be listed on a birth certificate. 

In some states that don’t, you can complete a 

 - a quicker process than a second parent adoption. If you are unmarried, you will still need to complete a second parent adoption.

No matter the circumstances, you cannot rely on having both parents’ names on birth certificates alone (regardless of your state of residence).

Unfortunately, some states legally can, and will, ignore a birth certificate (we’re looking at you, Mississippi). According to the National Center for Lesbian Rights, “having your name on the birth certificate does not guarantee protections if your legal rights are challenged in court — only an adoption or parentage judgment can ensure that parental rights will be respected.”

“49% of the LGBTQ population live in states where parents can petition for second-parent adoption statewide, regardless of marital status.” - 

While we don’t agree with current public policy on this topic (and are making efforts to fix this issue at the federal level), it is the current reality, and we want to make sure you are fully informed. Protecting your family is the first priority!

Here is a scenario where enhanced legal protection could matter: 

you are taking your family on a road trip to, say, the national parks within the Western region of the US (visiting Washington, Oregon, Idaho, California, Utah, Nevada, Arizona, etc.). You have a major car accident where the child and one parent get injured. To ensure the other parent has full legal authority to make legal & medical decisions for the child, having a “Second-Parent” adoption in place makes this a non-issue. Whereas, having only a birth certificate could leave your parental rights in question (depending on the state where the accident occurs).

Keep in mind, it’s not just this one scenario where having a second-parent adoption is important. Whether it’s a separation or one parent becomes incapacitated (for whatever reason), it’s important that both parents have full legal rights for the protection and safety of your child.

 through second-parent adoption and the community they found, stating 

“Legal issues differed across states, but there was one thing all of us had in common: We would do anything in our power to protect our families.”

While the process of co-parent or second-parent adoption is burdensome, inconvenient and at times costly and invasive, for now, it is necessary to protect your family. 

, share that “any challenge to your relationship with the child is eradicated,” safeguarding your family from interference from anyone, anywhere.

Common Questions about Co-Parent Adoption

Why is co-parent adoption especially important for families with same-gender parents?

Because of outdated assumptions about parents and families, the parental rights of same-gender parents may be questioned more often than those of a family with a mother and father — even when one parent is not genetically related to the child.

Do heterosexual couples need to follow second-parent adoption policies?

No, straight parents do not have to deal with this issue (hence “annoying”). Still, making sure you don’t have to endure discrimination (by the mere questioning of your legal standing) during a situation that is likely to have heightened stress already, is important.

How do I complete second-parent adoption?

Contact an attorney to get the adoption process started. If you are an LGBTQ+ family with a child (or planning to have children), we strongly recommend you contact an attorney listed in your state on our 

Are there legislative and policy efforts being made to improve this inequity?

 and others are working to legalize co-parent adoptions in states where it is not yet available, and simplify the process in states where it is available. For example, 

 is currently advocating to simplify the co-parent adoption process for all families.

Every small action can produce progress. You can help these efforts by:

parentage and co-parent adoption in your state

Writing letters to to your state legislators

Testifying when co-parent adoption laws are being considered

Sharing your story if you have gone through the co-parent adoption process

If you are an LGBTQ+ family with a child (or planning to have children), we strongly recommend you contact an attorney listed on our 

As an LGTBQ+ Parent, Do I Need to Adopt My Own Kid?

Falling under the category of “annoying, but very important,” we advise all families who identify as LGBTQ+ to strongly consider second-parent adoption of your child. And yes, this is whether you have biological or adopted children!

Follow along as we answer common questions surrounding the second-parent adoption process and how to get the process started.

Adoption Blog