Lessons Learned: What One Adoption Scam Can Teach Us All

Did you know that most adoption scams aren’t financially motivated?

Emotional scams are actually the most frequent type of adoption scams; people that are solely looking for attention and an emotional connection, not financial gain.

It's Easy to Fall Victim to Adoption Scams

Recently, a couple with a very large social media and YouTube following fell victim to an extensive adoption scam - complete with forged ultrasound photos, a fake pregnancy verification letter, a fake baby bump, and a web of lies.

The same woman that strung them along for two months, also created an account on PairTree and began communicating with a few of our families. However, because of our Safe Connection Filters, and the work we do behind the scenes to keep our families safe, we determined she wasn’t a legitimate expectant mom and disabled her account - within 48 hours.

A few days later, we learned this same woman signed up with a well known adoption marketing service and was matched with a prospective adoptive family who paid the matching service a non-refundable $18K.

As a team of adoptive parents and birth parents - we are hurt and infuriated by this woman’s actions and the lengths she went to impersonating an expectant mom.

As a team of adoption professionals - we are driven to learn from this experience to make the entire adoption community safer.

Spotting the Adoption Scam Red Flags

Every year, hundreds of expectant moms create accounts on PairTree and reach out to adopting families. We’ve been able to recognize some very clear patterns to their behavior online – and are happy to say the large majority is incredibly loving and positive.

Over the years, we’ve also disabled more than 150 accounts (99% of them were disabled within 48 hours) due to pattern recognition, and now are constantly tracking four major markers for all expectant moms:

• Location – if the IP address where she registers her account is different from the location that she’s saying she is
• Content Pattern – if she offers up ultrasound pics right away, is cutting/pasting messages to other families, her tone is hostile, etc.
• Amount of Families – the amount of families she contacts
• Due Date - the further out her due date is raises a flag (not so much as a scam, but as less likely to place and so we want to help families manage their expectations

If an expectant mom triggers any one of these markers, we immediately let our families know to proceed with caution. If an expectant mom triggers two or more of these markers, we disable her account and prevent her from communicating with our families.

While our platform is excellent at flagging markers that are triggered, initial messages sent by expectant moms are also monitored by members of our team. All three of the major red flags we monitor were triggered in the case of the YouTube/social media influencer family:

• Twins - While it is not unheard of, twins are not common in adoption…identical twins are even less common. If an expectant mom reaches out to expecting twins, we recommend proceeding with caution. In this case, the “expectant mom” was pregnant with identical twin girls.
• Extreme Circumstances - Extreme circumstances are not unheard of in adoption - women in crisis situations often consider adoption. But how forthcoming an expectant mom is about her circumstances – especially early in communications, is a trigger we look for. Often times, a scammer will try to “qualify” a family with extraordinarily extreme circumstances very early in the conversation. In the case of this adoption scam, the woman pretending to be an expectant mother said she was a victim of domestic violence and sexual assault early in their communications.
• Missed Meetings - If an expectant mom is either unwilling to meet with an adoption professional in person, or has a “friend” who is an attorney - that is a sign of an adoption scammer. In this case, the “expectant mom” met with an adoption agency via zoom, but repeatedly failed to show up for in-person meetings.

Follow along as PairTree founder Erin and Community Manager Jess discuss red flags you should be aware of while connecting with potential expectant moms.

The Role of Social Media in Adoption

One of the biggest takeaways from this highly publicized adoption scam, is the role social media played in this - and the role it plays in so many other adoption scams. 

Adopting families are constantly told to get the word out. The more eyes on you, the better, you never know where a connection may come from.

And so, like so many of us on social media, adopting families share intimate details about their lives…giving potential adoption scammers a roadmap of what to say to get adopting families to buy their story. Shileshia & Erik fell victim to a Facebook adoption scam, and shared their story; what it felt like, and how important it is to not give up hope.

That said, there is a difference between sharing your adoption journey with your network of friends and family, and sharing it with millions of followers across multiple platforms, hoping to connect with an expectant mom.

It’s okay to share your journey with friends and family, sans personal details. Share small updates - you're home study approved, you’ve signed on with an agency, you’re an active family. Share your adoption fundraisers with friends and family.

It is not okay to create a celebrity-like campaign around your adoption plans - asking expectant moms to slide into your DM’s and promote your adoption journey on podcasts. Self-centered self-promotion has no place in adoption.

It is not okay to share on social media personal details about your child’s birth family, their birth story, or reasons their birth family chose adoption.

When sharing your adoption journey, it’s important to honor an expectant mom’s journey more than your own.

Some agencies now have social media policies for their families - limiting what you can post in regards to the circumstances surrounding a child’s birth and placement, birth family information, as well as when you can post.

PairTree side note: With respect to birth families, we recommend adopting families and adoption professionals don’t post a celebratory “we matched” until a birth mother signs consent or relinquishment paperwork.

Sharing the intimate details of your adoption story can be harmful to birth parents, and adoptees in the future. With today’s social media presence, when sharing details, make sure you would be comfortable with your child’s birth family seeing your post. And if you aren’t, don’t share it.

Some details just aren’t yours to share, and it’s important to protect your adoptee’s story.

Be Mindful of Celebrating

Sharing your adoption journey is exciting! The photo shoots announcing “we’re adopting!” or “no bump, still pumped!” and “paper pregnant!” are adorable, and you deserve to celebrate growing your family - whatever that looks like.

But when you are growing your family through adoption, there are other people involved in your story.

Placing a child for adoption is really, really, really sad for an expectant mom even if she is 100% sure it’s what she wants. Seeing or participating in the traditions that biological birthing families have, like family announcements, gender reveals, baby showers and naming exercises can be extraordinarily painful for an expectant mom, and rarely would she want to participate – let alone ask you to do it.

Celebrating growing your family through adoption may, and probably should, look a little different. We caution adopting families from celebrating a baby that is not legally yours – both to protect yourself, but also so that you’re not adding to the pressure an expectant mother feels to place.

Of course you can share the excitement with your family and friends, but set their (and your) expectations properly. The expectant mom may change her mind.

For example, traditionally a “baby shower" happens before the birth…but in adoption, we recommend a “baby sprinkle”, a celebration after the baby has arrived; you still get all the joy of being celebrated, but at the appropriate and respectful time for both you and the birth family.

As we saw with the YouTube family, when you share your “match” with millions of people on the internet…that means you also have to tell them when that “match” doesn’t work out. The more people you tell that you’ve matched, the more people you have to tell if there is a disruption. If you have a huge baby shower or set up an extravagant nursery, and the expectant mom changes her mind – you’ll be constantly reminded every time you walk by the door, or see the baby things.

Adoption is different than birthing a child. That doesn’t make it any less beautiful, and doesn’t mean it can’t be celebrated. It just means adopting families should be mindful of when and how they celebrate to ensure they are protecting themselves and honoring the birth family.

Reputation & Collaboration Matters in the Adoption Industry

Working with a licensed, ethical adoption professional is vital to your adoption journey.

If you’re self-navigating adoption, or utilizing the internet or social media to match, it is important to pair that outreach with a licensed professional - either an agency or an attorney. This keeps you safe, helps to uncover adoption scams, and ensures that expectant moms are receiving the services they need.

At PairTree, we take it one step further. We collaborate with hundreds of adoption professionals so that we can better serve adopting families and expectant moms. When we operate as a collective eco-system, we’re able to keep adopting families safe (we openly share information about any of the scammers we’ve disabled on PairTree with adoption professionals). We can provide expectant moms with more choice (we never change a fee to introduce a PairTree family to an adoption professional that is working with an expectant mom).

And frankly, with a national average of over 40 adopting families for one expectant mom, expectant moms should be encouraged to be very specific about the future they want for their child. We should be working together in service to expectant women, and adoptees, to ensure they are able to find exactly what they are looking for in an adopting family.

With more collaboration and communication, this one single woman wouldn’t have been able to string adopting families along for months – costing them tens of thousands of dollars and unending heartache.

The Reality of Adoption Scams

The rise of both open adoption and the internet have completely transformed private adoption in the US. Expectant moms and adopting families rely on the internet to research, start and/or lead their adoption process which introduces a number of safety concerns.

Adoption scams are always going to exist…no matter what path of adoption you’re pursuing and no matter what professional you’re working with.

• Self-Matching - The internet as it pertains to adoption has been described as “the wild west”, a “war zone” and a “feeding frenzy.” Facebook groups are a breeding ground for adoption scams. But oftentimes, the internet is home to emotional scammers, not financial scammers. We have several tips to help you safely connect with expectant moms online.
• Agency - Working with an agency doesn’t grant immunity from adoption scams…sometimes they are just harder to see and often come at a greater financial cost. Expectant women can provide proof of pregnancy and create an adoption plan, and ultimately choose to parent - intending to parent the entire time, but taking advantage of prospective adoptive parents along the way.

It’s important to find a professional, or a team, that has your back. Make sure you are working with adoption professionals that are helpful, knowledgeable, understand the power of technology and are accessible to you. Having a team that answers your questions, provides insight and educates you every step of the way is essential on your adoption journey. You should never try to navigate the adoption journey alone.

For any family that has been taken advantage of by an adoption scam, we see you.

For birth moms, who’s stories and lived experiences have been degraded by adoption scammers, we see you.

For adoption professionals that uncover adoption scams, we appreciate you.

Adoption is complex; technology, the internet and social media can make it even more complex…but it can also open doors we never thought were possible. While the internet can be home to adoption scams and predatory practices, PairTree embraces the power of the internet, with the appropriate guideposts to keep families safe, give expectant moms choice, and elevate the role of adoption professionals.