Siblings: Relationships & Reunions as an Adoptee

I am one of ten kids from my biological mother. She maintained custody of none, and so we were separated by states, into different homes, except for the few of us that were “lucky” enough to stay together and be raised as siblings.

I use lucky in quotations because keeping siblings together, and being raised with your biological siblings, shouldn’t be seen as a lucky exception, but instead as the common norm.

I was raised with my half-sister. We have the same mom but different dad. She was already at my adoptive parents, who were first our foster parents’, home, when I was born. The social worker in charge of my case thankfully saw how important it was for siblings to stay together, and so when I needed a foster home she asked those foster parents if they would take me in, too. Thankfully, they too saw the importance of siblings being together, and agreed for me to go to them. Two years later, they again said yes, and my sister and I were adopted by them.

Why do biological connections matter for adoptees?

I often say one of the best parts of my story is that I was raised with my sister. She could empathize with my struggles as an adoptee, not just sympathize, and we got to grow up seeing ourselves biologically mirrored in each other. She understood the common struggles of adoption such as identity because she was also going through them. We could wonder together what our birth mom looked and acted like, without fearing of offending anyone by doing so. When we started having children, we each had more birth family members in each other’s kids, and our girls can go a year without seeing each other, and then fall right into being little besties as soon as they’re together. Also, because we were kept together, we could be there for each other’s important life events. She was the only biological sibling at my wedding, and I was the only one at her college graduation.

My adoptive mom did her best to collect information about siblings. She stayed in contact with social workers and got as much information from them as possible about my siblings that came after me. For my older siblings, she got names and knew which ones stayed together. She did her best to know and keep as much information about my siblings as she could, and my adoptive parents always encouraged contact with biological family whenever I decided I wanted it.

I met 3 more of my biological siblings a few years ago. I found them all through Facebook. The ease of relationship with all three right away shocked me. It was like we had known each other our whole lives.

Our sense of humors are similar, and they just felt like home. We also all look alike, and the importance of that for adoptees is common. My oldest brother had our mom in and out of his life growing up, and so he was able to me all about her, and even had a photo of my mom and I together when I was a baby! It’s the only photo we have together, my mom and I, and it is one of my most precious possessions.

Believe it or not, a lot of states do not consider siblings to legally be siblings anymore, either when they enter foster care or when they are adopted. There are organizations fighting to change that, but it is important to know that as adoptive parents, it may be solely up to you to keep track of your adoptee’s siblings, and facilitate relationships with them.

What does this mean for prospective adoptive parents?

Adopt siblings, if you are capable and it is safe to do so.

I recently did a poll on my Instagram (@mercy.and.healing) and over 80% of adoptees said they would rather be raised with siblings but adopted by a nonfamily member, than adopted by a family member but not raised with siblings. That is powerful!

Adoptees need to be raised with siblings, to not only see themselves biologically mirrored in each other, but to have a lifelong friend who gets what they are going through as an adoptee.

What if you can’t keep siblings together in adoption?

Maintain a relationship! And how can you do that?

• Have the siblings write letters and/or draw pictures and have them send them back and forth, or use Post Resource’s amazing resources to keep siblings connected.
• Initiate visits with your adoptee and their sibling(s) in other homes. Be willing to drive to meet halfway, or go and pick up the sibling.
• Keep track of siblings as best you can, especially ones that are born after your adoptee.
• Help your adoptee search for siblings when they show the interest, and help them connect with them.
• Be a safe place for your adoptee to share the hard parts of being separated from their siblings, and to decompress after contact and visits that may bring up those hard feelings.
• Seek out professional help for you and your adoptee if visits and contact, or the lack of, seem to be extra hard for your adoptee to navigate and handle.
• Work with an adoption coach to help you navigate the unique challenges of sibling relationships in adoption, especially if your adoptee has siblings that stay with biological family.