I’m not a part of the adoption triad but adoption has deeply impacted my life. This is important and I want to show you how it affects more than three people. This is my story.

I realize not many people can say this but I remember certain moments of the first day I met my big sister. I was nearly four years old when my family and I took a trip to visit her. We had to meet up at the same adoption agency my mama placed her through, but then decided to go to the local naval base to watch the Blue Angels perform. The wait before reaching her in the crowd felt endless, especially to a small child. I can remember the feeling of impatience even now. I don’t think I understood then what Abigail was to me but that changed immensely as I grew older. 

To this day, anytime I hear the roar of a jet I think of that visit; me in my big sister’s arms as we stared up in awe of the noisy jets doing aerial tricks overhead.

Abigail was placed for adoption by my mama six years before I was born. Mama gave birth to her when she was around fifteen, the same age I am now. Sometimes that thought scares me, I certainly can’t comprehend how scared my mama must have been and I will never know what it was like for her to carry a child so young, knowing she couldn’t parent her. 

understand though is the loss and pain of my big sister’s absence in our home.

The same year I met Abigail for the first time, my family had just welcomed my mama’s baby sister to come live with us. Nichole was just two weeks old, her birth father was my grandfather and Mama’s dad, but now it’s truly difficult to remember a time when she 

 my little sister. Admittedly there was some confusion when I was a little girl, like all of the times a stranger would stop my parents in the store to compliment them for having such adorable daughters and innocent three-year old me would point at Nichole and state, “but she’s my aunt!” What I would give to know what ran through their minds, to know the confusion they felt when some 

silly little girl thought her baby sister was her aunt, 

but for the first bit of my life with Nichole, that is what she was 

to be. Sisterhood came naturally though; once she learned to argue that was all we did, and truthfully do now, to the expense of our mama’s sanity 

The day we adopted Nichole was quite the experience

I felt nervous in the huge courtroom and antsy too. It was a lot

of waiting for a seven year old girl being asked to sit still and be quiet, but I listened to my parents when I was told to be patient. Nichole on the other hand, was like a gallon of energy in a half pint package, but she always has been. As soon as we got to the judge’s office to sign papers, she was all over the place. On a big wooden desk there was a corded phone shaped like Pluto the dog from Mickey Mouse and a bowl of lollipops, something Nichole just happened to be obsessed

 The moment we sat down she had a dum dum in her mouth and was pretending to talk to an imaginary boyfriend on the Pluto phone saying, “

, I can’t heaw my boyfwiend tawking!” 

(I know that’s misspelled but she couldn’t pronounce her Rs or Ls.)

 You should also know that she had the most adorable squeaky little voice. I’m kind of sad she outgrew it. I can also remember the Judge asking her what restaurant she liked most. She answered, to no one’s surprise, Taco Bell! Her obsession with that place has never faltered. The Judge told her once we left we had to take her to Taco Bell to celebrate and so we did.

This year will be twelve years since we met Abigail and eight since we adopted Nichole. When summer rolls around I am always filled with an overwhelming gratitude because it was one month in summer when Nichole started staying with us and just a few months later when we drove to the beach to meet my big sister. 

My mama has taught me that it’s okay to acknowledge that adoption can bring both gratitude 

The space I hold in my extended family has felt complicated at times. My grandfather died years ago and I have no real memories of him. While my little sister (biological aunt) was going to the playground behind the neighborhood church with him, he had less interest in me so I spent those hours with my great grandma and grandpa instead. Kinship care changes families, something that can be good but hard.

When my great-grandma lost her son, it was understandably really hard on her, but after he died I noticed a change in the attention I got from her as well. Sometimes it feels like she gravitates toward Nichole, probably because her personality is just like her birth dad’s so when she misses him, in a sense, Nichole brings him back to her. Understandable, but painful nonetheless.

It isn’t just kinship care that sometimes makes me feel out of place; as the biological child, my feelings have sometimes been overlooked or discredited too. Once I had grown close to a girl, she was one of my best friends so I knew she was going through a hard time and feeling a lot of grief for the people she had lost. One day I was trying to comfort her and mentioned that I understood her feelings of pain through the loss of my big sister. Several long moments passed after I sent the text before she responded saying, “yeah well, I’ve lost more.” I reminded myself that she was in pain and hurting, I didn’t believe she truly meant to hurt me so I responded with an apology and reassurance that I was there for her. I tried not to let her words penetrate me but they felt like salt poured into an open wound, a wound left open by my own intrusive thoughts. 

If she thinks this, then what about my family? Do they believe the same thing?

My friend had just solidified a worry that had always lingered in my mind; 

my trauma could never measure in importance compared to what others have endured.

My story doesn’t end there, it doesn’t end here either. I still have a lot of living and learning to do but here’s what I’ve learned so far.

Both the grief and gratitude that you feel is valid and important. 

I’ve grown up in a family that has endured challenging childhoods, lost parents, had to live with abusive or neglectful caregivers, and gone through some really scary things that I’m not even fully aware of yet. My childhood, on the other hand, is a stark difference. I have been raised by two cycle breaking parents that have given me a safe and blessed childhood. I have never been without necessities and I have never been exposed to many of the hardships my parents and the generations before them have been exposed to. Yet, I have trudged through depression and some days I still am. I lost my big sister before I was even born. I am troubled by the history of my family and have felt like the odd one

out. I’ve gained and lost many friends through my life of travel, and am navigating the labyrinth of my teenage years. All of my problems have made me feel like a burden on my family. I fear every tear I shed feels like an annoyance to my loved ones, not because of things they have done to make me feel that way, but because of my own self consciousness. The emotions that lie to me every day.

Why should your depression matter when you have practically nothing as an excuse for it?

You have to act like a happy, shiny person all the time.

I stand for the people convincing themselves of these falsehoods, the people who are feeling the second hand trauma from their family’s past, the people who believe that they can’t grieve along with the rest of those feeling pain. No matter what you have done or what has been done to you, your experience matters, it deserves to be addressed and worked through just as much as anyone else’s.

Your sadness is as valid and real as anyone’s.

Your emotions and depression matter and they deserve to be overcome at whatever pace you take.

You should never be expected to “suck it up,” feel your feelings, and gently pick yourself back up.

No one is always happy and no one is ever perfect.

Be who you are and accept your flaws as well as all things beautiful about you.

We all have a place here. Every sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, and friend who has felt the loss of a child through adoption matters. It takes more than the birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptee to create a story. Together we create a messy, imperfect, and beautiful constellation.

My name is Taylan McCloud, I am the daughter of a mother and father who have been through much, the sister of two adoptees, one into this family, and the other out, who have lost many loved ones. I feel happiness, and gratitude, but also grief and sadness. Because that’s what adoption is. It is both beautiful and imperfect like all of us. I accept all parts of myself, because all parts of me matter and I just want to encourage you to do the same.

My article, Two Adoptees and Me explores the idea that the adoption triad is not only for the three sides, adoptive and birth parents and the adoptee themselves. 

I like to think of it like this, one side of the triangle is for the adoptive parents, the other for the birth parents, and the last one for the biological siblings, the adoptive extended family, and all of the others that have been disregarded in an adoption setting. 

And then my favorite part: the heart, that beautiful, loving, messy shape, is the adoptee unifying us all together.

Two Adoptees and Me

Adoption fundraising refers to the process of raising funds to cover the expenses associated with adoption. Adoption can be costly, involving agency services, legal fees, travel expenses, home studies, medical bills, and expectant parent expenses. Since these costs add up quickly, many adopting families turn to fundraising as a way to help cover some of the costs associated with the adoption process.

Adoption fundraising encompasses many different avenues, including:

 Setting up online fundraising campaigns on platforms like GoFundMe, Kickstarter, YouCaring, or AdoptTogether, where friends, family, and even strangers can donate money to support the adoption process.

 Hosting fundraising events such as dinners, auctions, concerts, or charity runs where attendees can purchase tickets or make donations to support the adoption cause.

 Selling merchandise like T-shirts (BonFire is a great resource for hopeful adoptive parents), bracelets, or other items with proceeds going towards adoption expenses.

 Applying for adoption grants or scholarships offered by organizations, foundations, or churches to assist with adoption costs.

 Making direct appeals to friends, family, and community members through letters, emails, or social media posts explaining the need for financial assistance in the adoption journey.

Adoption fundraising is often a creative, crucial way for prospective adoptive parents to make their dreams of expanding their family a reality, especially for those facing financial constraints…we know most people don’t have an additional $30,000 - $50,000 in the bank to cover adoption costs. 

However, it's important to approach fundraising ethically and transparently, ensuring that the funds received are used responsibly and conservatively.

Positive Adoption Fundraising - A Birth Mother’s Perspective

Adoption is expensive…too expensive. Especially when you consider that most of the hefty fees you’re paying to adoption consultants, facilitators, or agencies go to their marketing and advertising budgets…not to provide additional support and resources for expectant moms.

My goal is never to rain on your parade or to tear apart your adoption journey. My goal is to simply share my perspective as a birth mom and show you another way of thinking about things - even when it’s hard to hear sometimes. 

But when we know better, we do better, so try and remain empathetic and if something feels icky - don’t do it.

And when you’re considering fundraising for your adoption, I encourage you to keep these thoughts in mind:

: When you’re setting your goal to fundraise for your adoption journey, your goal shouldn’t be to fundraise the entire cost of your adoption. Make sure your household is making financial changes to afford this process. If the cost is $30,000, set your goal at $15,000-$20,000.

 is nearly $16,000. This means if you fundraise the full amount of your adoption fees, and receive a $15,950 tax credit…you’ve essentially profited off the adoption process. 

And speaking as a birth mom, that feels gross to me.

: Be clear and upfront about the purpose of the fundraising efforts. Clearly communicate your fundraising goal, how the funds will be used, your overall fundraising efforts, and provide regular updates on the progress of your adoption journey without sharing personal details.

Hot tip: Create a private adoption Facebook group for friends and family only! It’s a great way to keep everyone updated on your adoption journey!

: Respect the privacy and dignity of everyone involved in the adoption process, especially birth parents. Avoid sharing sensitive information, personal details, or intimate parts of their story or an adoptee's story…that information should be theirs to hold and share if or when they want. This includes sharing personal information about birth parents (homelessness, addiction, incarceration, family medical history) and information surrounding the birth of a child (prenatal substance exposure, withdrawals, birth story).

: Some adoptees have complex feelings about being adopted, especially surrounding the cost of their adoption. Knowing their family fundraised to cover adoption costs can add an additional layer of complexity. Those feelings are sometimes exacerbated by the comments of some well-meaning family members when they say “I helped pay for you” or “you were an expensive baby.” How will your future teenager feel when they learn their full adoption story - loved, proud, embarrassed, commodified?

 As a birth mom, I have strong feelings about using crowdfunding platforms for your adoption. Hang around me long enough and you’ll find me on a soap box about it at least once, so I’ll save those thoughts for another day and instead ask you to consider this question when you’re setting up a CrowdFunding page - 

Would you donate to a pregnant woman’s GoFundMe to help cover her rent, utilities, and time off work so that she could keep her family intact? 

This isn’t to say you can’t accept donations from family, friends, and co-workers…but maybe accept it privately instead of asking for it publicly.

Additional questions to ask yourselves when considering adoption fundraising:

 making to cover adoption costs? Where can we cut our budget to save money?

Are our fundraising ideas respectful of potential expectant parents?

How would this make a potential expectant parent feel? Would we be embarrassed if they knew how we were fundraising?

Will we feel comfortable telling our future child how we fundraised for their adoption?

These grant and loan programs are meant to help you navigate the financial part of your adoption journey. The resource list below is presented in no particular order. Keep in mind that these resources are ever-changing, so please read carefully.

: The Adoption Aid grant, which ranges from $6,000 to $10,000, is designed to reduce financial barriers associated with adoption. The organization also provides $6,000 Medical Care grants to assist families with medical expenses for adopted children.

: Grants of up to $3,000 to two-parent, Christian, traditional families.

: Grants of up to $20,000 are awarded four times a year to families with significant financial barriers to adoption.

: Grants of up to $15,000 are awarded to qualified applicants for both domestic and international adoptions. The average grant is $4,000.

: Grants range from $500 to $2,000, depending on the needs of the family and circumstances surrounding the adoption.

The award range varies from family to family. There is no maximum household income limit but financial need must be demonstrated. You must be Christian and married to qualify and be working with a licensed 501(c)(3) adoption agency.

Open to citizens of the U.S. and Canada adopting domestically, including through foster care, this grant offers up to $10,000 to cover final adoption costs.

: Lifesong for Orphans guides adopting families through the fundraising process, removing the financial barriers to adoption. Families can apply to receive matching grants, interest-free loans, and access to a free crowdfunding platform.

: specific to covering the cost of utilizing specialized medical professionals

: A quarterly grant provided for home study-approved families with amounts determined on a case-by-case basis.

: Zoe’s Rainbow grants are awarded through The Never Alone Foundation, an organization that assists parents in bringing orphaned children home by helping them with the immense expense involved in international adoption.

JSC Foundation’s hope is to assist Christian couples for whom the cost of adoption is a hardship. They are pleased to be able to partner with some of these families as they step out in faith by following the call, allowing one more orphan to come home to their forever family.

 - AdoptTogether is the world's largest non-profit crowdfunding platform for adoption.

Pathways for Little Feet: Interest-Free Adoption Loans

 - Pathways’ interest-free loan program provides up to $10,000 in adoption financial assistance.

 - Low-rate adoption loans are great for both international and domestic adoption. Use the funds for expenses such as agency, court, and lawyer fees, a home study, or travel costs.

Some adoption fundraisers will make you more money than others, some are more creative than others, and some take more time and effort than others. But at the end of the day, these are fun and creative ideas to ask your friends, family and community to support you on your adoption journey.

 Everyone loves a good t-shirt…or at the very least, most people will buy a t-shirt. Sites like 

 allow you to design your shirt, promote it and sell it, with no upfront cost. You don’t have to keep track of inventory or manage shipping - Bonfire handles all of that!

: Choose a puzzle that's meaningful to your family or your adoption journey, and create a fundraiser selling the pieces! Decide on a $ amount per puzzle piece, and when someone purchases one (or a few!) they get to sign the back of their pieces (or sign for them). Once all the pieces are sold, assemble your puzzle and hang it in the nursery or somewhere special in your home!

: Take a load off other busy families by offering Easter Bunny services on Easter weekend. Charge a set amount based on the number of eggs you're offering and ‘egg’ people's yards the night before Easter! Kids will love waking up to a yard full of colorful Easter eggs, and Mom and Dad will love not having to do the egg-work!

 Everyone loves a yard sale, especially when it’s for a good cause! Don’t think you have enough stuff for a yard sale on your own? Ask your friends and family, even your neighbors to help out - chances are they have some stuff they’ve been meaning to take to Goodwill for months now. Take it up a notch and have a bake sale at your yard sale!

: This is a classic fundraiser that is so easy to facilitate. Many franchised restaurants do fundraiser nights in their locations, where you can sign up for a night and they give you a flier to hand out to everyone you possibly can. On your given fundraiser night, a set percentage (usually 10-20%) of the profits from everyone who brings in the flier goes back to you! That’s the catch though - you only get money from the tables that bring in your flier, so you want to get it in as many hands as possible and remind everyone when your fundraiser is!

Some restaurants that offer community fundraising nights: Buffalo Wild Wings, California Pizza Kitchen, Jason’s Deli, Newks, Pita Pit, and Chipotle, just to name a few!

: If you’re traveling to pick up your new addition, or are adopting an older child this is such a fun idea. Buy a suitcase and let your friends and family pay $5 to ‘tag the bag!’ Everyone pays $5 and they get to sign their name and write a short note on the suitcase. It’s such a simple way to fundraise, but it’s something special your child is going to be able to keep forever.

This is by no means an extensive list of options for adoption fundraisers - just a short list to get the creative juices flowing. Other options to try might be organizing a community 5K, a spaghetti dinner, a neighborhood block party, selling football squares or organizing a bracket challenge, selling baked goods, or wrapping Christmas gifts.

Adoption assistance comes in many different ways, like a tax credit or benefits from your workplace or military service.

The adoption tax credit is a one-time, federal tax credit available to help offset the costs of adopting a child. It is designed to assist adoptive parents with the expenses associated with the adoption process, including adoption fees, court costs, attorney fees, travel expenses, and other eligible adoption-related expenses.

The adoption tax credit is non-refundable, meaning it can reduce your tax liability to zero but cannot result in a refund if the credit exceeds your tax liability. However, any unused credit can be carried forward for up to five years. For the 2023 tax year, the maximum credit allowed is $15,950.

To learn more about the Adoption Tax Credit and how to utilize it, our friends at Creating a Family have compiled all of the essential 

this page to find our Adoption Tax Credit Calculator!

Employer benefits for adoption vary widely depending on the company and its policies. However, more and more employers are offering some form of adoption assistance or benefits to support employees who are adopting.

Some employers provide financial assistance to help cover adoption-related expenses. This assistance may come in the form of reimbursement for adoption fees, legal fees, and other eligible expenses. The amount and eligibility criteria for financial assistance can vary greatly from one employer to another.

Need help talking to your HR department about implementing adoption benefits? The Dave Thomas Foundation put together an 

Adoption-Friendly Workplace Employer Toolkit

 to support employers looking to grow their adoption benefits.

Hot Tip: 70% of employers add benefits because their employees ask for them. PairTree will contact your employer on your behalf! Scroll down 

 to fill out our HR Contact Request Form.

Creating a Family: 9 Ways an Average Person Can Pay for Adopting a Child

Purl Adoptions: Funding Your Adoption With Adoption Grants

Adoption is too expensive, which is a huge issue in adoption today...but unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be changing. In fact, the cost of adoption has been steadily on the rise over the last few years. 

We believe the high fees being charged in adoption encourage unethical behavior that is not in an expectant mom's best interest and leads to coercive and predatory practices.

 While we’re working to lower the cost of adoption in the US, we still want to help families afford to grow their family through adoption - so we created the Ultimate Guide to Funding Your Adoption.

Before we dive into adoption fundraising and taking your adoption journey public, there are two things we encourage you to keep in mind:

Don’t Overshare - be mindful of sharing personal details about the child you hope to adopt. Those few details you know are the most important details in their life at that moment and shouldn’t be shared far and wide.

Be Sensitive to Those Around You - you never know who in your audience may be an adoptee or birth parent, and they may be sensitive to your situation and fundraising efforts.

Introduce and explain adoption fundraising

Provide adoption grant and loan information

How to Fund Your Adoption: The Complete Guide to Affording Adoption

Jess Nelson, Community Manager at PairTree:

 Excellent. Good morning, everyone, and a happy Friday. We are so excited to have another coffee and conversation session with Kathryn Russell. Kathryn, thank you so much for joining us this morning.

Kathryn Russell, Director of Absolute Love Adoptions: 

Thanks for having me. I'm excited to chat with you again.

Yes, me, too, and for everyone here. My name's Jess. I'm the community manager here at Parry. We are your hub for healthily navigating adoption, and we are so excited to have Katherine here to talk about another very important, but I feel like it's kind of an often overlooked topic and adoption which is the hospital experience.

And, Kathryn, you are a license social worker and the director of Absolute love adoptions where you are just a phenomenal home study provider. But you're also an incredibly fierce advocate for expectant and birth parents.

And again, we're just so excited to have you with us this morning. Do you want to kind of introduce yourself a little bit and tell us about your work with absolute love.

Yeah. Well, thanks for joining us, everybody. So my agency is small. We're in Pennsylvania. We're a small nonprofit, and we have really sort of shifted the work that we're doing away from. You know, the basic placement and adoption services to really figure out what was not existing in the adoption space that maybe was a void that we could fill. And when I started really listening and looking, it was the same conversations over and over. So it was a lot of this discussion around birth. Parents not feeling like they were really seen or valued in the experience. And the the feeling that after placement they vanish. They disappeared from the conversation altogether. So a lot of the work that we do really centers around educating families prior to match and placement, and even after but so we can kind of reshape some of these ideas. Figure out where they came from. And kind of help break down those bias or stereotypes that you might have about what adoption looks like expectations. Figure out where you acquire those, break them down, and then rebuild them in a way that is going to be more compassionate, more confident to then move forward into a match and placement. 

And we really figured that there's not a lot of these conversations going on yet. These are places where we really should be talking a lot more. I think the way this you know conversation today about the hospital experience, these topics that we're going to talk about that day. That experience is the start of your journey as an adoptive parent, and it's the start of a woman's journey as a birth parent. And so for your child, it's their start where these 2 stories overlap. So really figuring out how to be mindful of all the dynamics happening in the hospital experience. And really engage in this space in a way that's healthy and and confident is really a a place where you can make a lot of growth.

That really does impact how your your then lifelong experience. And the adoption constellation goes. So really important stuff we're talking about today.

What is "The Hospital Experience" during a potential adoption?

Yeah. And I think it's so important to kind of keep in mind when we talk about the hospital experience that you're basically 2 separate families and stories in in the same hallway, and at one end you have adopted parents who are leaving with full arms and full hearts, and just full of so much joy. But at the other end of the same hallway you have birth families that are leaving with an empty room, empty arms, and now kind of left to navigate this tremendous loss and grief, and I think that's a really important framework to kind of keep in your mind when you're talking about the hospital experience and and looking at you know what that experience is. Gonna look like for you and your family and your journey.

Yeah, I hear people say a lot that it is often the best day in the lives of an adopting parent, and the worst day in the lives of a birth parent, and how those 2 things exist at the same time, and how you kind of create space for that. And and really, I guess, do well in that duality where you can be joyous, but also know that it's a really tough day as well. It's it's complex. And again, not something that there's a lot of how-to guides for, how to do this.

And I think that a lot of what we'll talk about today really just gives people some tools and some experience, so that when they're in this situation they sort of in their mind can be like, okay, I remember talking about this. I knew this was gonna happen, or this could happen, so that then you kind of have some spaces to pull from to to maybe behave in a way that is, is more kind for empathetic, and really does better create and hold that space for everyone to have both joy and sorrow that day.

Yes, absolutely. And so today, that's what we're talking about the hospital experience. 

But, Kathryn, what does that when we say the hospital experience? What does that actually mean? And why is it so important for prospective, adoptive parents to understand that and be prepared for it? 

Even more even more so than you know, someone who is pregnant and preparing for their own hospital experience as a as they're delivering a child. 

So I think that in this process we have a lot of focus on educating about the process. And I think there's a lot of conversation around. You know the legal process, and what to get for a baby, and how to how to create the nursery. But there's not a lot of conversation around what to expect this day, and I think it is so essential just to have some frame of reference for what it's gonna look like it's challenging to educate us about because it's gonna look so unique, depending on a lot of variables. So are you traveling to another state that's gonna affect what this looks like? Have you met Mom before? Is dad involved? Have you met Dad before? Are these strangers? Is this a situation where Mom delivered at the hospital and left, and the social worker calls and is trying to find a family. In which case you're not going to meet mom. Is this a situation where you have a great relationship nurtured beforehand. She chose you. You've had video calls together, and so, meeting her at the hospital is something that you've talked about? Are you going to be there for the delivery? Are you staying in the hospital? Are you staying at a hotel. There are so many factors to this that are gonna really impact how this looks.

And so it's hard to educate from a place of here's what to expect. This is what it looks like. So with everything that Justin, I say today, I think it's important just to remember that there will be nuances to your specific experience. That you know we simply just can't, you know, break it each situation down to the minutia of that. But we'll give you some kind of general feelings about what it might look like. So generally speaking, you know, we're we're preparing expectant parents to go to the hospital, have a baby, which is a wild experience. Lots of prep, that they do to have that experience. The prep that you need to do is the adopting family is really internal. I think I think it's a lot of work, for what are my expectations of this scenario that's in front of me? I think the biggest thing for families is recognizing that whatever this looks like

This is not yet your child, and this might be your child, but it also might not be your child, and I recognize that that's a really heavy thing to to know and to have to wrestle with internally. But showing up at at the hospital and walking into the space as though this is your child when Mom has not signed consent, I think, is a huge error. So really, that frame of reference entering into the hospital. Again, whether that's you're going and joining her for delivery, or whether you're going and meeting just the baby, whatever this looks like going in and knowing that until consents are signed, she's an expectant mom. She's a mom. She's not a birth mom, and this is not yet your child. I think that's a huge piece of where we need to kind of focus what we're talking about.

But when we talk about the yeah, when we're talking about the hospital experience, we're really just referring to. Okay, you get the call that she's delivering, and you go. And however long you are in that space, whether it's physically at the hospital waiting to take placement of the child, whether it's at the hospital caring for the child whether it's rooming in with the child, or whether it's simply going to the hospital after Mom has discharged and baby's been discharged and and meeting baby and bringing baby home. So all of those days are what we're referring to as the hospital experience.

What is the Expectant Mom's Birth Plan to help her navigate the Hospital Experience?

Yes. So, as we are preparing for the hospital experience, one of the biggest things and one of the most important conversations that I think professionals need to be having with expectant moms is creating a hospital plan, and we know that babies are unpredictable. So sometimes hospital plans are gonna just go completely out the window but also you never know how an expectant mom is going to feel when she's actually in the situation of giving birth, and so keeping in mind that human emotions are going to factor in, and can also completely change a hospital plan. 

But what should be included in a hospital plan? What conversations should we be having with expectant moms?

 So that both expectant moms and adopting families have kind of an expectation of what that experience could potentially look like.

So if you're working with an agency and a social worker when we are showing up at the hospital to coordinate a placement, we are typically sending the hospital a a plan, and that hospital plan should include everything we know about the situation. So expectant, mom, expectant dad their information. That mom's due date. The her intentions for naming the child. If she has a name picked out already. We are talking about who the intended family is. We typically list who the family coming to town might be, what their address is, phone number, contact information. So that the hospital is aware of who's we're expecting to see in this in this space. And that, of course, is if Mom has already chosen a family, and there is an intended family.

We also include in this plan things like her care, what she's expecting to happen at the hospital we use as an agency absolute love. Excuse me. We hire a doula for every woman who's delivering with our agency, and I think that is really essential, because what a doula does beforehand is sits with the mom and educates her about what to expect during pregnancy and delivery and what her choices might be. You haven't had a child, biologically, there's a ton of choices that you can make in that space, and I think people generally don't know this stuff.

But there's a lot of choices for how you want to deliver that that you should think about beforehand. And Abdullah is gonna help Mom think about some of those things and figure out what's important for her. And then on this hospital plan, we're gonna include any of that content that she's decided is important. So does she want an epidural.

Who does she want in the room with her? Does she wanna hold the baby? Does she wanna breastfeed? What are the things about her birth experience that she feels are important and that all goes in the hospital plan. Now, obviously, a hospital plan is a plan. It's not a contract.

So there's tons of room for things to change. But the idea is that before Mom gets to delivery she's had those conversations with the professional about what birth might look like, and what her choices are, and really figured out what her deep feelings are, and her deep desires for those choices about her body and her child what those are, but then that she's also thought through some of these conversations about, how do we pull adoptive family? In what do you? What does she want this to look like? Does she want them there at delivery? Who does she want to delivery? Where does she want them to be standing at her head, standing at her feet. Waiting in the hallway, waiting in a hotel? So she sort of has to start thinking about what she expects from this process because she sets the tone.

If she says, No, thank you, I don't want them there. Then the family's not going to be there. If she says, yes, I would like them there. Then the family has been invited to be there. But with all of these things she can change her mind.

So she gets to the hospital, and her plan says, yes, I wanted adoptive Mom in the room with me, and she gets there, and you know 2 h into delivery. She's like this just isn't working for me. I need you to leave the room. Then that's just what it is. So this plan is a plan. It's really wanting her to take that time to think through all of the choices after baby's here, who holds baby, who feeds baby, who bathes baby? What do you want those days until discharge to look like so that we've had this conversation.

Now, ideally, this stuff is written down so me as a social worker will have these conversations with Mom.

 I'll talk her through a lot of these things. I'll push her to really think about what this could look like for her. Find those spaces where she feels really strongly about something, and then put that on paper. This is so that I know I know how to help that day. I know what her wishes were before all the chaos and intensity and physical challenges of labor and delivery. But also it gives me a point of reference to say, okay, you said this, you know, 3 weeks ago, how are you feeling now? And it helps really guide that conversation. So there is someone there saying, You know, I know you wanted this initially how we feel now. And how can I help you get that.

So in context of families, right? You invited family in for delivery. But now you're feeling like it's too much. How can I help create that space? So you can have this time for yourself. So that's ideally what a hospital plan is. Ideally, the social worker who's working with expected. Mom is having these conversations, and beyond that, if you're matched, that social worker's pulling you into those conversations, so you can say mom and I were talking about naming the baby. And this is something important, because this conversation will happen at the hospital at some point. So here's Mom's feelings on this. Can we talk to you a little bit adopting family about what your feelings are about this?

Things like, okay, mom is thinking about maybe inviting you to the to delivery. Is that something you'd wanna do? So having someone there to really help facilitate those conversations is a massive, massive asset. If you don't have that, or if your social worker hasn't made any initiative to do that. Ask them to. These can be conversations that are hard to have.

Especially if you're putting expectant mom and an adoptive parent in the same space to have those conversations, a lot of raw emotion. There's a lot of you know, that tip toeing around. I don't wanna say something to upset her or make her feel like I'm claiming her baby. But I wanna have these conversations definitely asked to have those conversations and ask to have a social worker there. An attorney. If you're working with an attorney should be able to do that.

You can also as a side note, if you're working with an attorney and you don't have a social worker working with you. Ask that attorney to contract a social worker who is skilled in adoption services to provide these. They, you know, they do these hourly so let's say you're working with an attorney. The attorney would call me and say, KAthryn, can you provide 5 h of support for this family? And then they bill the family at an hourly rate today?

And then what I do is go in, figure out what they need support with. And then I have those conversations. If, again, if you're in a space where you don't have a social worker who is doing that can do that, or you don't have one at all.

 Yes, absolutely. And I think this might just be my perspective as a birth mom having twice created hospital plans in both very different situations. But I think that initial conversation of what an expected mom wants the hospital plan for the hospital experience to look like. I think that's a really important conversation for her to be able to have with just her social worker or with her caseworker, or with an attorney. Because, like you said, there's a lot of emotions, and I see this so many times.

You know, we've had expectant parents and adoptive parents in the room when we're talking about a hospital plan, and an expected mom will say, yes, I want you in the in the delivery room. Yes, I want you to be the one to name the baby, and then, as soon as the adoptive parents leave, she's like Jess, that's really not what I'm comfortable with. Can we have this conversation again?

And so I think when you give expectant moms that space to really talk about what they want that experience to look like because it's about them. It's not. It's that day, that experience.

It's truly not about adoptive parents, and I know that that's super hard to hear sometimes and wrap your head around. But just from a birth parent's experience, we don't get a lot of one on one alone time with our kiddos. And so, having that experience and having that time in the hospital. Like adoptive parents, you get every other first. That our kiddos have. And so just making sure that you're allowing expectant and birth families to kind of have that space is just really important.

Well, I think what we were talking about was the idea that these conversations shouldn't be had for the first time with. So if I'm the social worker. I'm not bringing.

Intended parents together for the first time to say, Hey, Jess, how do you envision your hospital experience going? And it's really, specifically not done like that. I will also tell you. There are so many situations where I'm asking, Jess, hey? How do you envision this going? And she might say, "oh, I don't know. I didn't know I had a say in how this goes." And so, giving her that space to say, Okay, I don't know what are my choices. And then me saying, Okay, I'll call you next week. We'll talk about it next week. It gives her space to hear these things to think about these things, and I guarantee you the women who are being asked in the moment, what do you want? And then put on paper? Those feelings evolve, because then they start thinking. Oh, okay, well, maybe that is how I wanted to do. I wanted to go that way. So we really have to give space to educate. Hey, Jess? Here are some things you should think about.

Do you want the family in the room with you? Do you wanna name the baby. Do you wanna hold the baby, and then revisit and revisit and revisit and reassure her that whatever she says then is not set in stone, and she can change that later. And I think, then bringing family into, say, Okay, just. And I have been talking today, this is what we're thinking. This is kind of how we envision this going. You know she's said that these are the things that are really important to her, but as always, she reserves every right to change her mind that day on anything that we're discussing.

But I think that also gives the adoptive family some sense of okay. What is expected of me. Generally speaking, what does she want from me? Because most families also are really intentional. They want to behave well, they want to show up. Well, they want this to go. Well, not just in the sense that they bring home a baby.

They want to be respectful, and they want to make Mom feel really supported. They often just show up and are like, Okay, nobody's told me what I'm supposed to do here, you know. Does she even want me here? There's no one here to ask, you know. Sometimes there's not a social worker at the hospital who's really skilled, so they're kind of like. I don't know. Should I go to her room? Do I not go to her room? Should I bring her coffee? Do I not bring her coffee. Does she want to see me? Does she not want to see me? So really asking for someone to help...Have these conversations ahead of time will really relieve the pressure for all of you on that day. It also creates that space where you know that you've had these conversations. It's safe to talk about these things. It's not the opposite of this is the situation where families come in. Mom comes in, and they've all had these thoughts the whole time like, well, what is this gonna look like, and what are the expectations for me, and what are what's my choice? What's not my choice?

And nobody's talked about it. So everyone just kind of gets there and continues not talking about it. But if that's what's happening, then you are definitely gonna step on someone's toes. And you're definitely gonna do something offensive. And you are definitely gonna be in a situation as the birth parent where you're not getting your needs met, or you feel like you know, you're swallowing it and swallowing it and swallowing it until you just want to screen, because nobody's seeing what you want. We haven't said what you want. So again, social workers support, and having these conversations before really really really changes the way that whole experience goes.

Yeah, and having in like, when you're a professional having those conversations...I think it's super important to remember that your priority is the expectant parent, because when and I will never forget this conversation. When I was making an adoption plan for Ella, I was sitting with the adoption assistant because we did a private adoption. We worked with an attorney, and I was sitting with the adoption assistant writing my hospital plan, and he gets to the question, and he asks who I want in the delivery room, and I said my best friend at the time, and he stops writing, and he like puts his little notepad down, and he looks at me and he goes.

You don't want the adoptive parents in the delivery room with you. And I said, No, he goes well, not even the adoptive mom. I said, no. I was about to be 30 years old. I knew them, but we'd only been talking for a couple of months. I didn't know them all that well, and he goes well, this is a really important day for them. You don't want them to be able to experience this with you. I got up and I walked out, and I was really close to just walking away from my adoption plan in general, because that was...that's a really traumatic day. And to have that lack of support. thankfully, he didn't work there, you know too much longer, but that for someone who was in a different place than I was like. That's really a traumatic conversation to have, and are  really bad way to have it.

Yeah, I think the way that I typically have the conversations is not oh, you don't want them there, because that then makes you feel like, should I? It? Oh, my gosh! I didn't.

Oh, my gosh! And then you kind of start spinning, thinking. Well, right. It takes this experience that is very much yours and makes it someone else's, which, as the provider and as adopting parents, that's really the the thing we want to protect, we want to protect this experience as the birthing parents, not anybody else's. So I think, having that conversation as here are your options. Some people do this. Some people do that you can do whatever you want. You just tell me what you feel like is right, and that's what we'll do. And that's really the space that birthing families need to be in knowing that ultimately, whatever they want. That's what we'll do. You know, we're guests in their space that day. This is not about anybody else except them.

Exactly. And so we have created the hospital plan using the plan very loosely. What happens when that changes?

So again, ideally, you're in a space where you have someone at the hospital with you. So, for example, in situations where I'm doing placements. I've hired a doula for Mom. Mom calls and says she's in labor, call the Dula. The duel goes and spends the whole labor and delivery with her. Generally speaking, I try to not be there for that, because that's again her experience. And I'm a professional. So for me, coming in, it's like the cloud of what's ahead for her looming so to preserve that space for her, you know you send the doula, and she delivers, and then I go in. I check on her. I go always go see her first.

We talk about things like, okay. How'd it go? How are you feeling? What do you wanna do you know? Do you want the adoptive family to come? Do you want them not to come? Do you know where? What are we doing right now, and if she says you know, the family's here down the hall, I saw them already, and I really feel uncomfortable with them still being here. Then we'll talk that through, and then I will go to the family and say, Hey, listen! Do you mind? Just, you know, going to the hotel for tonight. I think that's really what she will appreciate most right now, so I can be there to help her.

Her voice, some of these really challenging things. I'll tell you. Most people really have a hard time asserting things that make other people uncomfortable. So if there isn't someone else there to help a nurse who's really I think, empathetic to the situation and experienced with this sometimes can be a really great advocate. Sometimes hospitals have great social workers who do this really well, but by and large, they don't, because there are no training programs for nurses. There are no training programs for any type of provider on how to do this.

Nobody gets adoption training in their programming. So any nurse or professional that you're working with that's doing it well is just doing it, cause she's a kind person, or he's a kind person, and has empathetic feelings towards the situation, or has done it. Enough that they've learned a thing or 2. So, generally speaking, relying on like, okay, we'll go to the hospital, and who's ever there will just help is not.

Don't count on that, because if you get one that does, you're like really, really lucky not to scare you, but just to be very real about what's ahead. So if you're working with an agency who has a representative in town, they very much should be there to help support the hospital experience. So when I do this, I'm there, and I'm sending things back to the office for my team to help me do so. If I'm with Mom. And she says, Okay, you know, I need these things to happen. Someone in the office is doing the paper for placement. And then also being able to change things as we go. So I think, having a person, a live person at the hospital to help mediate these things is critical, because otherwise what happens is, you have 2 people who are really trying to merge, but it's strained at times, just because she's delivered a baby. If you. Sometimes delivery is traumatic, it's long, it's exhausting, it's terrifying. It's joyous. It's this absolutely consuming experience. And you're not necessarily ready 2 h after to make these decisions or have these conversations. 

And then, on the other hand, you have a family who's like, I've been waiting for probably years for this moment, and I'm so excited to have these conversations, and I wanna know what she wants from me. And I wanna know how to do this. And so you sometimes have these 2 situations that it's just you gotta find a way to mesh them. And again, there's often not someone there to say, Okay, well, you know. Tell me what you're feeling. Tell me what's going on, and then let me see how I can help. And sometimes that's just running back and forth to rooms, saying, Okay, here's why I think she's ready to do this. Are you okay with that, and I'll let her know. And sometimes it's just sitting with one of the families and just being available, so that when something comes up they can say, Hey, Katherine, can you? Can you check on this? Do you know how she feels about this? Do you know how they feel about this? So I think that is best case scenario. Wanna be real that for many people. You won't have that. You won't have a person to do that.

So I think, as the adopting family, being very aware that it would be great to have a person doing that you don't. So you might have to be the person that thinks about that and says, Okay, I want this. But I don't know what she wants, and I feel really uncomfortable about asking her, but I know I have to, so maybe I'll go pull the nurse in and see if she could help me do this. Maybe I'll ask if there's a social worker here that could help me. Maybe I'll just go and try it and see. And if I make a mess it's okay.

I will just say I'm new at this. I've never done this before, and I want this to be good for everybody. So here's what I'm gonna do.

Birth parents, I think by and large want to be asked what they want. They don't want you making decisions for them. They don't want you to be assuming if in doubt, and you're the only one at the hospital, and you don't have support. Go check on her. Say, hey, Jess, I'm just wondering, you know. I can go get lunch if you'd like some time alone with Baby. I know you said you didn't want that before, but I'd like to go get lunch. Is this a time where maybe you want to spend with your baby. So I think, being proactive, again giving space for her to change her opinion on something, and re-giving that space over and over again. If you don't have that support, it's gonna be down to you to do it, and you'll just have to do it. Sorry.

I had this conversation with an adopting family, you know, a month ago at their kiddo's birth. Mom was in the hospital and delivering, and they had this hospital plan all worked out and it changed, you know. The second she got into the hospital. The entire plans change. They were planning on being there, she said, you know. No, I don't really want you here. I want this time, and that can be really really scary, but allowing her that space and giving her that day, or those 2 days or those hours is really really important to her, and she will remember those for the rest of her life. She will cherish those for the rest of her life, and then, when your kiddo grows up, you get to tell them that you know those first 2 days in the hospital. It was just you and your birth, mom, and that's a really special. You know. They're not going to remember it. But that's a really special story. And feeling that they get to have growing up.

Yeah. So as you're talking, just one of the things that I'm remembering is a really negative experience I had with a family, and I think I use the word selfish, because that's the closest word. I know how to describe it, but I don't think it was coming from a place of negative intent. I don't think they even realized that what they were doing was really not kind.

And so again I struggle with that word, selfish, but I I think the choices that this family was making in the hospital were entirely egocentric all about them, and I think if you haven't done the work before a match and a placement to look inward. 

Why am I adopting? Where are the holes in my heart that have led me to this place that I need to fill before I try to make a child fill that space? 

I think that is really important work. I think that's painful work, because for a lot of families, they've come into this space with again. Often years of really challenging, painful experiences that brought them here, and I've never met a family who's adopting that doesn't very desperately want to. Parent. I mean, this is a really, this takes a lot of work and money and time. And it is heartache to get to this space. So I wanna I wanna put that there. I recognize that I think that when you get to the hospital. It is so essential just to say, I have no control over how this is going to go, and I want to be a good human. And I want this woman and her child to leave this space feeling like this experience was positive and empowering, and they got everything they needed from it. And if that means that I, as the adopting parent, don't, that has to be okay. And I think if you can shift your perspective and show up of in really a place of...it is so painful to say what will be, will be. But you have to, and if you can't do it necessarily fully, internally, which I don't know that you can. I think outwardly you need to be. 

As this is not about me as you can, you can do that by recognizing that most of the support of the hospital is going from Mom. It's not going to be there for you. If you're taking care of the baby, you'll have the nursing staff there. You'll have people there to support you. But ultimately Mom needs to be rallied around. She needs to be supported, she needs to be checked in on. So if your worker comes to the hospital and checks on birth, mom, first, before checking on you, it's okay. That's expected. If you feel like, you know, I've paid for this package of services, and I'm getting 10 of the 100 h that this worker is spending, and I don't like it. I'm sorry, but that's how it's gonna be. 

And you have to remember that past this past discharge, past consent signing, you get all of the attention. The adopting family gets all the attention you get the worker in your home checking on you. You get the calls, things everything. Okay. You get all of the support then, but you really have to allow that time at the hospital to be hers, and some of the really bad experiences I, as a professional, have had our families who feel entitled to all the attention from the professional wanting, you know, minute to minute updates on. Where are we at with consent? And where are we out paperwork, and what comes next? And when can we leave? And when can we and I get that? These are all things that feel urgent. But on the other end of this is a woman who's making the biggest decision of her life is often alone, I think, more often than not I've supported women who have no one else who are often delivering their first babies, which is again terrifying, and not always what you expect and consuming physically and emotionally in itself.

And then they're doing this choice for adoption. And so they're they're literally just getting through each minute. And that's where I'm needed. So I think that again, if you can really just be aware of what's going on potentially in the other room, it helps you separate yourself to be able to say, Okay, and here, I'm here. If this baby comes home with me because she wants that for me, then yay, and I'm going to do that so well. But if these few days go by and the baby doesn't come home with me, that has to be okay, too. All I can do now is just be here.

Be here, and that's it. And again, I know that's really I don't know that there's any other time in life where we're really expected to do that. And so there's no like. Here's how to do it well, or Oh, I've done this before. So I've got this. It's really unique in that sense. And I also think sometimes people don't know how they're going to behave until they're in the situation. So I think, for adopting parents. Another thing that I'm encouraging you to do in this hospital. Stay is, be very mindful of your own needs.

Because no one else is gonna be looking out for your needs. So things like, I gotta go get some coffee, or you know, I really would love to just go take a walk, go, take a shower, go, take a break and come back. Please do those things.

When we're not fed. When we're not hydrated when we're not sleeping. Well, we're not our best selves. And so those things really need your attention in this in this space. Even if you are the one caring for the baby. During this time one of the things that does happen often in the hospital is expected. Mom, mom then says, Okay, I've delivered baby, and I would like you, the adopting parent, to be here. I want you to room in. I want you to. Often hospitals will set aside a room for the adopting family. That they can then stay overnight in the hospital for the duration of time. The Cha. The child is there, and so they'll then do all of the baby care. And oftentimes moms are okay. With that they'll say that right like this. I'm I've delivered this baby, and I know that you're the parents. And so I would like you to do these things.

And so you get your room. You get to do all the things with the baby, and that does happen sometimes.

Still, be very mindful of your own needs. I know that's really challenging when you're taking care of a newborn in a strange place in the confines of a hospital room. But those are the times where things get heated. Voices get raised things get sad because you are again trying to do this really overwhelming task of staying very neutral in a space where you wanna just, you know, yell with joy and make the process done so you can just leave and be a parent, and I got all of that but that's kind of the the. There's a lot of intensity in those days in the hospital, so doing the best you can to care for yourself, so that you are your best self, I think, is the best piece of advice. If you leave with nothing else, take that video.

One last question, and then we will open it up to questions, because you and I have been talking for a long time. But when we're at the hospital and adopted parents are there, are we? Or what's appropriate when it comes to gifts for expected mom in the hospital.

Okay. So here's my take on it. If you go to deliver any human in the hospital, I'm sorry. Visit any human after they've delivered.

You bring them something. You always you bring a coffee, you bring candy, you bring a card, you bring flowers that's just sort of in our culture. What you do. It shows that you thought about them before you got there. It shows that you want them to feel special and seen, and you would do this for anyone I mean, honestly, think about who you've ever visited. After a big moment you do this. This is no different.

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